Julie locked the bedroom door, flung herself on the bed and landed face first into the pillow. In between sobs, she could still hear them laughing and chattering in the living room.
“Jesus!” She thought to herself 15 minutes later. “Listen to them still carrying on like nothing!”
She was especially furious with her partner who didn’t even bother to check on her. She had been feeling miserable, disregarded, neglected and empty for weeks.
This was a familiar scenario for Julie. Since she was a little girl she remembered crying behind doors waiting for someone, anyone to ask “what’s wrong?’
Julie wasn’t okay. But that wasn’t the problem. The real issue was Julie constantly wanted people who were emotionally unavailable and self absorbed to recognize her pain.
Some women fantasize about lavish, tropical well planned anniversary gifts, but Julie just wanted someone who could tell when she was crying.
By the time she became a client, she as on the verge of breaking up. In her mind, Rick was totally capable of loving her the way she wanted him to.
But instead of being kind, considerate and caring, he was checked out, uninterested and detached.
She was wanted me to “fix him”, turning him into the man she knew he could be.
The assumption Julie made was that Rick was broken.
I wanted to see if this was true. So, once we started working together, I learned about Rick.
It turned out he was always this way.
When they first started dating, he told her about his ex who was as he put it, “a basket case.” But when I probed, we learned he was overwhelmed by her desire to “talk about stuff all the time.” And that he was especially annoyed when “she got emotional.”
In fact, the more we talked about Rick, the more we learned that he wasn’t broken at all. He was functioning perfectly.
I explained it like this. In nature, there are locusts and there are butterflies. Locusts destroy and butterflies pollinate.
There are partners and there are Ricks.
And thought we may see potential in Rick to be a partner at the end of the day, he’s still a Rick.
In fact, the longer we worked together, the more we discovered it wasn’t even about Rick.
Julie had a lifetime of “Ricks”
Our work together was about uncovering the root issue of feeling like no one cares.
It started with her parents. She just wanted her dad to be able to see how much her mom was struggling. But her dad left for work often, and her mom would spend days in her bedroom behind a locked door, leaving Julie to fend for herself and take care of her siblings.
Julie was angry at her dad. She thought if he could have seen what was going on with her mom; the whole family wouldn’t have had to suffer so much.
As we moved though coaching, Julie took an empowered position and could see that her mom had more choices. That she could have reached out for help, sought counseling, etc.
Julie realized that her father was uncomfortable with emotion and confrontation. She could see how he believed that by leaving to provide for the family, he was helping the best way he knew how.
And she agreed that everyone could have done better had they known better.
Julie was learning that she was reenacting her childhood drama as a lame attempt to “fix it.”
And once we made significant headway, she healed. Then she was able to attract a partner who saw her.
Not just because she was better at spotting locusts and butterflies, but because she was owned and acknowledged her own feelings instead of waiting to be rescued behind closed doors.
How about you?
What could happen if you were willing to take an empowered position and seek the support you need?
What if you got to the root of your issues?
I’m Heidi and my super power is clarity. I provide radical insight into your relationship issues. With my expert guidance, my clients are able to transform their lives from the inside out.
I’m waiting for you over at www.LoveCoachHeidil.com
Know Your Self
So you can BE Your Self
So you can Love Your Self.