Dealing with insecurity in you relationship

Written by heidimcguirk

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August 31, 2020

You like him or her, a lot.  You didn’t think you’d feel this way so soon!

S/he’s become all you can think about lately, wondering if they love you the way you love them. You’re sure s/he doesn’t.

You search through their social medial, looking for the tell tale “like” to reveal their betrayal laden hidden affections.

Finally, you break down and seek reassurance. So, you ask:

  • “Where is this relationship going?”
  • “How do you really feel about me?”
  • “Who is that person on your Instagram?”
  • “What should I call you?”

And they say, “Whoa. Where is this coming from?  Of course I like you. Let’s not label anything. Let’s just see where it goes.”

Your heart beats out of your chest, you start to sweat, and your throat closes a little. You’re sure they’re breaking up with you.

You immediately launch into “just kidding mode”, backpedaling to explain you were simply making conversation.

Maybe you start to search out some help and look for ides on:

  • “How to make him commit.”
  • “How to make him obsessed with me”
  • “How to attract women.”

And so on.

Breathe. I get it.

But don’t worry. This isn’t commentary on how to get him or her to love you, be obsessed with you or commit.

That kind of advice is useless anyway and I only know that because I used to subscribe to the “understand the opposite sex” stuff before I fully understood that I needed to understand myself.

What’s really going on here?

It’s likely one of two scenarios.

  1. You are in a situation with someone who emotionally unavailable and contributing to your relationship confusion by withholding their feelings for you. If that’s the case, this is likely a dysfunctional person.
  2. You’re with someone who is available and totally into you, who genuinely wants to see where things go and you’re insecurity is getting the best of you.

Which one is it? Hard to tell as they both originate from the same codependency pattern of low self esteem.

But most people don’t realize that it’s a codependency issue, they truly believe that it’s the other person “making them feel” insecure.

But NO ONE really makes you feel insecure. It’s a question of the chicken or the egg.

If you’re choosing emotionally unavailable people, it’s likely your preexisting insecurity that chooses a person to mirror that low self-esteem.

And if you’re not able to recognize when someone is into you, dropping the shoe to end the wait, it’s also the same issue.

So, what to do?

Well, the only thing left to do is to get to work on the root of your insecurity.

It’s not your fault.

Codependency patterns emerge from a necessity to cope with unhealthy people in your life.

You were simply trying to thrive, survive, connect or cope in your significant relationships, likely starting in your family of origin.

Your insecurity didn’t come about on its own or just as a result of this one relationship.

I bet if we looked at it, we can see it’s a pattern that affects all areas of life for you.

People with insecurity exhibit the following difficulties (to name only a few)

  • Speaking your truth especially when other’s opinions matter
  • Setting and holding boundaries with people you care about
  • Feeling your feelings without justifying, rationalizing or defending them
  • Leaving bad situations (you’re loyal to a fault)
  • Following through with projects (you start but you don’t finish)
  • Procrastination
  • Knowing what you really want

An on and on.

So, you can see it’s pretty important to get to work here.

The good news is that you absolutely CAN work on your self esteem and learn how to truly love yourself (faults and all).

Most people conflate self love and self care.

To be clear, I’m not talking about bath bombs and massages here.

I’m talking about learning to do the very things that are hard for you like the things I mentioned above.

It all starts with knowing yourself. You need to get to the root of your insecurity issues and I’m happy to help you do that!

I the meantime, let’s talk for a minute about what makes you most attractive to others.

  1. Your authenticity.

Think of it this way. When you see someone being all of who they are, it’s refreshing! They own themselves and it’s inspiring to others. No one likes someone who’s being fake.

But people with a low self esteem pattern are not themselves. They are people pleasers, being whoever they need to be to be liked and avoid rejection.

  1. Your confidence. There’s just something so attractive about someone who believes in themselves and goes for what they want in life without seeking or needing the approval r permission of others.

But when you have low self esteem, you’re less likely to have that kind of belief in yourself.

  1. You’re openness and availability to others.

When you have a low self esteem patters, you may be on guard constantly waiting for others to disappoint you or take advantage of you. This energy can be felt by everyone around you.


So, what’s the solution? Know thyself. Get to the root of where these patterns originated and uproot them.

I can help you do that.

If you’d like more help, please reach out to me here.


Coach Heidi


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