How do you break up?

That’s actually very different than “should you break up?’  and I have a lot of videos on “Should you break up” and you can find them here.


But, if you’ve gotten to this point, I’m assuming you’re looking for it like a step-by-step process of how to actually pull the trigger and get this done. And I’ve got you covered with 4 steps today.


Many years ago,I used to be a corporate executive and I was working within this company and every year we went to Las Vegas for a conference.


I was director of training and development and one year I gave a speech on When and how to fire people.”  I was NOT excited to give this talk but actually it turned out to be pretty interesting because I learned a lot in the process.


When we think of firing people we imagine it’s going to be painful so we want to avoid it. We wait until it gets SO BAD that we have no other choice. And even then, it’s hard because we imagine the emotions of the person on the other end and how that will affect us. 


It turns out firing people is easy.  That’s not the problem. The issue  is how do I deal with the feelings that one’s trying to mitigate or avoid by firing.


Breaking up is the same.


And you want to know the truth you can’t avoid pain because breaking up sucks. 


It’s  painful and that’s why you’re in the position you’re in because you’ve been avoiding breaking up because you’re afraid of the feelings that you’re going to feel.  But you’re not avoiding the hurt.  You’re hurting now.


Isn’t what you’re going through right now already hard?  What you’re experiencing now is nothing compared to continuing and prolonging the relationship.


Breaking up isn’t hard to do. Breaking up is easy. Staying in the relationship is hard.


So, let’s get into the tips. I’m going to give you the same tips I gave all those years ago in Las Vegas on How to fire people because it’s exactly the same thing.


You’re letting someone go from the position of “person” in your life. You’re releasing that you’re releasing him/her form role that you have put them in.


  • Be black and white.


You want to come from a place of absolute Clarity. You don’t want any gray areas. You don’t want anything confusing. 

How does confusion happen?  When people try to break up and they say dumb s*** like  “It’’s not working right now. You know maybe maybe in the future we can revisit things. But right now it’s not working.” 


You can’t leave any room for question.  Close all the doors and all the windows so that there’s no room for re-entry.


Say, “It’s over. This is not what I want. You are not who I want. I am breaking up with you and I am moving on.”

I know. I can hear you now, “Oh my God Heidi, that is super harsh!”


What? Do you want to say it nicely? Do you  want to find a way to say it so it feels good?

Do you want to make sure they don’t get upset with you? Are you trying to mitigate the fallout of emotion? Making sure they Don’t feel a certain way about you?


  1. Embrace the suck.

You cannot make breaking up feel good. It’s  going to be bad for them. And quite possibly for you. It’s a break up because it’s broken and it cannot be repaired. 


You can stay it at nice as you want to and it won’t matter.


it’s like when the doctor comes in at the hospital and tells you that you have cancer. He comes in and gruffly blurts it out staring at his little clipboard, “Welp, you have the Cancer.” 


Or he gently kneels beside you, takes your hand  and barely whispers, “I’m so sorry. I hate to tell you this and  I don’t know how to tell you this. But I’m afraid you have cancer, Dear.”


Do you think you’re going to be less devastated by the tone of someone’s voice? Nope. Not one bit. Once the news settles in, it sinks the same way.


So when you’re breaking up you put all this energy and trying  to say it the right way to mitigate emotions or get them to like you at the end of it, you’re totally missing the mark.


You’re breaking up with them. What do you care if they till  like you or not? You’re moving on. 


  • Don’t over- explain.



When you get to that point where you have no gray areas and you are prepared to embrace the suck, you can move into action. 

Don’t get into the justification or rationalizations.  This is where people get into trouble. 

This is especially true if you’re dealing with a manipulative or toxic person who coil gaslight you into believing there is no problem. If you’re with a dysfunctional person, you could break up with someone like that 25 times. 


When you get into the laundry list, explaining things, you are asking the other person to defend themselves. Whether you know it or not you’re asking them to participate in a back and forth exchange.


Don’t give them ALL of the reasons your breaking up. These will be things they can and will argue with you.


I want you to instead make it your choice. Take full ownership. “This relationship is not working for me and I am ending it.”


And please don’t do the ol,, “It’s not you it’s me routine”. It;s the song and dance that the  other person is magical and wonderful and will find someone great!”


How lame. Honestly, if they were that great why are you breaking up with them?


No one breaks up with anyone because they are wonderful. Tell the truth.

YOU are not right for me.


If you tell them they are wonderful and it’s just you who has a problem committing to them, do you know what they will think? They will think that as soon as you get your s*&%  together, you will come back to get  them. 


Don’t torture people that way. It’s YOU and it’s them and you are not working together. 


Otherwise, you’re making them think there’s a chance  to change your mind because they’re so awesome.


Say, “You’re not right for me.”


  • Let it be broken.



Don’t expect the person you’re breaking up with to make you feel better about breaking up with them.


 Like I said, breaking up sucks and it’s hard. Do not try and make yourself feel better by getting them to agree this is a good thing.


Don’t try and wrap the turd in sugar. Do not try and put lipstick on the pig. Don’t try and get their  buy in what;s happening by convincing them this was a good idea.


And let it go. Move on. 


Did you see the movie Pet Sematary? Don’t try and resurrect it from the dead. Let it die.


As that movie showed us, it comes back worse the second time around.


As always, if you need help breaking up or getting off of the fence, you can find me over at www.Lovecoachheidi.Com.



Coach Heidi

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