Finding an Being Your True Self
Who are you, really? Most of the time we don’t know who we really are. We walk through the world with a fear of being found out. The thought intrudes, “Any minute now they’re going to figure out you’re a fake, you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not that great.”
At the same time, you long to unleash your authentic, confident, radiant self into the world because you have a conflicting feeling that underneath it all, you may just be as incredible as you hope you are.
But which one is the real you?
Do you even have a true self? Or are we ever changing? Is the True Self a fixed, static thing or a moving state of becoming?
Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could uncover and BE your true self?
What would your True Self give you permission to do, be or have?
Would you worry less about what you? Would you placate or people please less? Would you hare your feelings more? Would you put yourself or your work out into the world? Would you set and hold more boundaries?
Essentially, would you feel like you have less to prove?
Yes. Because when you’re not in touch with your true self, you’re lacking self-esteem and self-confidence.
How can you have self-esteem and self-confidence if you do not know your true self? You cannot because you’ll have a false self-esteem, a false sense of confidence and what is that? That’s narcissism.
That’s what that looks like on a social media post, only presenting a curated image of oneself that the world might find pleasing.
You also know you don’t know your true self when you get easily triggered by abandonment or rejection and head into a shame spiral, doubting what you think, feel, or believe to be true about yourself.
When that happens, you realize you’re on shaky ground and you need to get rooted in your truth. When you’re rooted in your True Self, you have an authentic feeling of self-esteem. IT’s not a better than others attitude. It’s a quiet confidence that radiates from within. It’s not put on. It’s not a fake it ’til you make it. It’s authentically empowered.
Your true self is that never changing part of you that doesn’t need to placate or pretend to be something that it’s not. It’s your essence. And your essence is pure, egoless, divinely connected, interconnected oneness, lacking nothing, whole and complete.
The problem is that whole, undefinable existence when we think of our True Self, we don’t think about that. We think of our ego. We reference our title, position, role, or personality to create an Identity.
We think, “My true self is I am a mother, or a CEO or a Doctor, or a Coach, A Father, etc.
Or we identify with an affliction. “I’m an alcoholic.”, “I’m the mother of an addict.” Or we identify our true self with our Spiritual Path, “I’m a Taoist”, or “I’m a Christian.” Or we identify with an adjective, “I’m a good person.” or, “I’m a loving, kind, giving, person.”
If you are not the adjectives you use to describe yourself,
If you are not your medical conditions or currently overcome afflictions (IE Survivor)
If you are not the role you play in someone else’s life.
If you are not your job….who are you?
We have all these identities that are keeping us stuck from knowing our True Selves. And to me, the worst culprit is the identity of personalities. Especially when it comes to personalities we developed out of dysfunction, abuse, addiction, or a toxic environment.
I call these Attachment Personality Patterns or APPS. These attachment personalities are something you downloaded from your family of origin that we take on in order to thrive, survive, connect, cope in our family of origin.
If you grew up in a Dysfunctional Family Dynamic where there was alcoholism, addiction, abuse, neglect, or other forms of toxicity you take on this personality pattern in an attempt to reconcile who you needed to be to get your needs met, avoid conflict or otherwise survive.
So, my idea is that in order for you find your true self, you must first see who you have been
How can you know who you truly are if truly are if you don’t even know who you’ve been.
The truth is, you likely have not been who you really are. You have been who you needed to be and that’s what I call an Attachment Personality Pattern.
When I first started to do codependency coaching in the world, I learned about the codependency patterns such as the low self-esteem pattern, the denial pattern, the compliance pattern, etc,
But I found these descriptors to be limiting in the way that they prevented one from fully being able to clearly identify. If one cannot identify their pattern, there is no chance of breaking free from it.
So, the first step when you want to break free from a false self is to identify the adaptive attachment personality pattern.
My aim in creating the patterns was to make it easy to identify yourself in a much clearer way that doesn’t paint you into a corner, but allows you to see how your pattern uniquely affects you.
I have discovered eight Personality Patterns to date.
And you can find out more about them as we continue to deepen our relationship through these blogs, videos, and coaching programs. There, we will go more in depth to each pattern.
The 8 patterns are as follows: The Controller, The Fixer, The Pretender/Performer, The People Pleaser, The Survivor/Victim, The Perfectionist, The Withholder, and The Clinger.
All of these patterns we take on keep us from becoming the truest version of who we really are. What started as a coping strategy that may have worked for some time in childhood, has become your Achilles’ heel in your adult relationships.
For sake of example, let’s look briefly at the Pretender.
I’ve been doing this codependency work for 20 years. I was head faculty at one of the world’s leading Drug and alcohol Treatment Centers, where Irean group therapy and led psychoeducational lectures.
One day, a gentleman raised his hand and said, “You know, I can’t be that bad! My daughter is about to go into law school! She’s amazing! Everyone loves her and she’s perfect. She never has any problems. So, I can’t be that bad. Look at her!”.
The Pretender learns early on that they are not allowed to have any problems because the alcoholic has the family all stocked up.
They don’t want to run the risk of telling those at school that dad’s an alcoholic, or mom’s not taking care of the family because they don’t want to be looked at as a problem or as less than. So, they learn to pretend they’re fine. Of course they actually convince themselves they are fine and ten the curate other’s opinions of themselves by only showing what’s attractive, acceptable or likable.
All else, the feelings, the hurt, the messy, ugly truth gets buried.
As an adult, this person is in a constant state of denial. They are asleep to one’s True Self.
If you’ve ever felt like an imposter, or a pressure cooker, boiling under the surface, you can see how important it is to identify your attachment Personality Pattern and start the necessary work of unbecoming who you are not.
I believe most people in the world are just struggling to become. We want to learn how to become the best, the most.
I think true happiness and authenticity is about Unbecoming. For me, is not about acquisition it’s about release.
When you identify and release who you’re not, you’re free to see who you already are, underneath all else.
Radiant. Divine. Messy. Perfect. Imperfect. The Whole.