There’s no more frustrating relationship than the one with an addict and alcoholic because it’s like you’re with two people: the person you know that exists inside of the person you love and the person they’re showing up as today.
Are you asking yourself “Should I stay or should I go? How do you know when is it time to leave the relationship?
LIkely, you have put what you want on the back burner in hopes of getting your loved one better. Most of the time you’re so busy figuring out what’s going to help them or get them sober or stop them from hurting themselves or others that all of your focus and energy is on them instead of on what you really want.
Here, we are going to look at 5 key indicators that it’s time to consider leaving the relationship. That may also mean taking some time away to work on yourself because here’s what I know for sure~ you need to get better whether they get better or not.
Being in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic hurts you in ways you may not yet recognize. It impacts the entire family. Understanding this impact is the key to your healing.
That’s what we try to do at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com. We want to equip, educate and empower you with the resources you need to live a sane, happy life.
In the meantime, here are the 5 signs it’s time to consider leaving an addict or alcoholic.
Number 1. You’re waiting for proof or evidence that it’s okay for you to go.
You’re waiting around to justify your exit so no one can fault you for leaving.We can get very wrapped up in the opinions of others. The truth is, you don’t have to justify your own desire to have something better or something different. Misery doesn’t have to be the barometer for change. You don’t have to wait until it’s BAD ENOUGH to justify leaving.
You are justified because it’s your desire. You need not prove that to anyone.
Number 2. You’re waiting for them to change.
Ask yourself this question: “If they were never to change and addiction was going to be a part of this person’s life for the rest of their life, do you want this person?”
That’s an important question to ask because addiction is a part of that person. You do not get to choose them without it. It’s a package deal.
You don’t get to say, “I only want you sober” if you’re not prepared to leave.
Odds are, this person will be in and out of recovery and addiction is a part of the ride. Do you want to go on that ride?
You get to say no! But know that no means being with a NON addict or NON alcoholic.
If you choose to be in this relationship, you are choosing to ride the roller coaster that is addiction. It can feel like being in a hurricane. But in a hurricane, you can protect yourself emotionally, financially, physically and the same is true in addiction. I can teach you these things in my programs.
Number 3. You are strategizing, manipulating or controlling this person in an attempt to fix them or control their behavior.
Look, I know you are a powerful person. But you have absolutely no power here. You cannot work harder on one’s recovery than they do.
It is up to them to work a sober lifestyle. You can spend an inordinate amount of time researching, solving and fixing problems.
Your partner is not a problem you can solve. It is up to them to learn why they use and how to be sober.
You cannot strategize another’s addiction into submission.
The truth is, we can get a lot of our needs met in trying to fix and solve problems. We have a false sense of control and it makes us feel good about ourselves and better about the problem.
In my latest video, I tell a story about this exact thing when I tried to get and keep my dad sober.
Number 4. You are constantly making excuses and justifications and rationalizations for the addicts behavior.
Now while I attest there is nothing you can do to make someone get sober, there are things you can do that will help them stay sick.
In my checklist, Helping or Hurting, I give you examples of this dangerous behavior.
Maybe you cosign the use of drugs or you excuse the behavior. If you minimize, rationalize their use, you are part of the problem and essentially, making it easier for them to die quicker.
I know that’s harsh. Let me tell you how I know this…I’ve seen it first hand when I worked as a teacher inside of a drug and alcohol treatment center for almost a decade.
I helped thousands of clients day in and out and counseled hundreds of families in our family program. Making it easier for one to stay sick is enabling. And if that is you, it’s better to go than to stay.
Number 5. You don’t like who you are in this relationship.
When you envisioned a loving relationship, this is not what you pictured. You want to be the best version of you. Nit the version that is full of rage, resentment, anxiety and sadness.
You do not like this version of you. But you believe that if they change, it will all be made better. But the reality is, you need to heal.
Sometimes when I say you need to get better too, it’s met with resistance. I’ve heard people say, “Why should I work on myself? They are the ones with the problem!”
That’s true. But their problem has gotten all over you.
Maybe you’re embarrassed and you don’t know where to go or who to talk to. That’s why we have the option of private or semi private coaching. You can either have the benefit of being helped one on one or in a small group where others understand what you’re going through.
In any case, whether it’s Al Anon or Coaching with me, you need support.
I hope you have found this helpful. Please leave a comment, like or share if it has benefitted you so we can continue to reach more people.