You’re reading this because you are in a relationship of some kind with an addict or an alcoholic. And you’re wondering if all the work you’re doing, all the time you’re putting in to control this addiction, is actually helping or hurting.

I’m going to answer that question.

If you’re new here, I write about everything dysfunctional and toxic relationships. My goal is to help you overcome codependence and break toxic cycles of behavior for good.  

First of all, what is codependency?

Codependence is just a way to function in dysfunction.  And controlling is a form of codependence as a way to function in dysfunction.

Why are you controlling their behavior to? Let’s be real. There’s a lot on the line here. When you love somebody that’s addicted, it’s excruciating. I don’t have to tell you the feelings that go along with that. The anxiety is outrageous. It’ll keep you up at night, scratching your head, wondering when or how it’s going to end. When are you going to get the call? When are they not going to make it home? Or God forbid, if they’re out, are they coming home and what’s going to happen if they do?

It’s really maddening. It can make you feel like you’re in a battle without weapons. You just don’t know what to do. One minute you can do something that seems helpful and the next minute you can do it and it seems like the absolute wrong thing to do and I wish it were more black and white.

Some things are. Some things I can tell you in the decade of experience that I’ve had when I worked as a teacher and a coach inside one of the world’s leading drug and alcohol treatment centers when I worked with thousands of clients there and hundreds of families.

And I have to tell you, there are definitely some things that are cut and dry. But in the middle is this gray area where I want to help you try to figure out what it is that you believe in doing. Not what you think is going to keep somebody sober. But what it is that you believe in. So that you can sleep at night, knowing you’re doing everything you can because you want to get your loved one back.

It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde, isn’t it? Especially if you’ve experienced them sober. You’re thinking, “I know the person I love is in there”. You just want to shake them awake. You know they have so much potential to be the person that you know they can be.

But they’re hijacked by the addicted personality, which looks just like a narcissist.

Addiction and narcissism mirror each other. They look the same and so the effect on you is the same. You’re suffering the same as somebody in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

But we keep forgiving them because we say, “they’re addicted. I guess they can’t help themselves.”

That may or may not be true, but the bottom line is the same, you’re in pain and so you try and control them.

You need to get a handle on this because it’s not just killing you. It’s killing everybody around you too. Addiction affects the whole entire system, not just the person who’s using. 

It’s traumatic for everybody that’s experiencing it.

I’m going to discuss some of the things I’ve personally done in order to control somebody else’s addiction, as well as some of the things that my students and clients have told me over the years through our programs and courses.

If at any time you’re interested in deepening your dive with us in one of our courses, our programs, you can head over to  check out our offerings

When I was a little girl, my dad used to have hiding spots for his alcohol.  Sometimes they would be obvious places, but sometimes they wouldn’t be so obvious. One of the places that he liked to hide his alcohol was behind the toilet seat, thinking nobody’s going to go behind there, in the toilet tank. Well until the toilet breaks and you’re brave enough as a little girl to get back there and ask, “How does this thing work?”

Well, one day, I took the lid off, and lo and behold, I saw a bottle of vodka.

And I remember thinking, “Yuck! What the Hell?”  First of all, I was surprised, because I thought he just was drinking beer.

So one of the rules of thumb I use is alcoholism and addiction usage is like cockroaches. For every one you see there are hundreds more.

So if we’re finding one bottle of vodka, there are many, many, more.

But, sometimes we don’t want to believe it’s as bad as it is. I’m telling you, it is that bad and worse.

Anyway, I remember thinking to myself, “If my dad knew that I know that he’s hiding this, he would feel so ashamed.”

I thought I could shame him or embarrass him into quitting.

I got the bright idea to dump the liquor bottle out down the drain and put the empty bottle back. I’d checked back and sure enough, there was another full bottle. I thought, “Oh, well, maybe he just thought he drank it all and didn’t know it was me who dumped it. Let me try something else.”

So this time, dumped the bottle out, and then I threw the bottle away thinking, “Now surely he’ll know it was me that took that bottle out of there. He’ll be so embarrassed. And he’ll love me so much that he will feel ashamed of himself and he’ll quit.”

And you know what? As soon as I could bat an eyelash, there was another bottle of vodka. And as a kid, you’re not thinking, “Oh, I see, he must be an alcoholic and he can’t really control that. And there’s this compulsion to drink in spite of negative consequences.” No, I thought, “Well gosh, I guess my dad doesn’t love me enough because he must have known it was me and chose the vodka!”

I think even adults as we think that too. We believe if they just loved us enough they would stop. But as you will come to understand, if you work with us in one of our courses, addiction is much more complex than that.

How about you? Have you dumped liquor bottles down the drain? Have you marked the liquor bottle with a marker? Have you filled liquor bottles up with water?

I thought my dad just needed to know how much he was drinking. In fact, when he would go to bed, I would take his beer cans out of the trash. I used to line the beer cans up at the bottom of the steps, like a beer tower.

I made a house of beer cans thinking, if he would just come me downstairs and be confronted with this problem in the morning when he’s sober again, I could shame him into quitting. 

Using shame is a form of control. Shaming somebody looks like pointing out how much they’re drinking and embarrassing them with stories of their drinking and trying to remind them of all the harm they’ve caused when they’re drunk or reliving the party or the corporate event and telling them how ashamed you are.

Shaming somebody into sobriety has never worked because Addiction has no shame.

That’s why somebody can keep doing the things they’re doing and hurting you the way they’re hurting you and destroying their lives and the lives of other people because addiction feels no shame.

The addiction doesn’t care. And when somebody is addicted, the addicted personality takes over the addicted person.

They lack empathy. They lack insight into their own behavior.

Ultimatums are another way we try to control somebody’s behavior. And an ultimatum is very different than a boundary. If you’re interested in how to set a boundary, go over to lovecoachheidi.com and take my free Masterclass How to Set a Boundary. It’ll give you the steps.

Unlike an ultimatum, a boundary has a consequence attached to it. It has an action attached to it. An ultimatum doesn’t. It’s like, “If you do that one more time, we’re leaving Disney.” and knowing damn well, you’re not leaving Disney, right? You’ve been waiting for a vacation the whole year.

An ultimatum is when you keep threatening to pull the trigger on something as a way to control the behavior, but you never follow through.  

An ultimatum is trying to change or manipulate somebody’s behavior by threatening that you’re going to do something that you’re never going to do. And a boundary is what others can expect from you to protect yourself when the behavior doesn’t change.

That’s two very different things.

Another thing that we can do to try and control the addict is to lecture them.

You leave books out. I’ve had clients and students that have left Bibles out, with verses highlighted or sober books. You can put these books out and hope that they’ll pick them up. But you’ll ultimately find at the end of the day, the motivation is just not there because again, they’re active in their addiction.

The logical thinking part of the brain isn’t there. Nor is the motivation outside of the substance providing the dopamine.

When you try to lecture an addict, sitting them down and talking to them about their behavior (especially when they’re drunk) it’s like talking to a toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum.

You’re not having any access to any part of them that is actually going to put some dots together in the morning. But we get this false sense that we’ve had this deep conversation when they’re under the influence and just, no. No, you haven’t. So lecturing is futile. It’s absolutely pointless.

Another way we try and control the addiction is through doling out drugs or alcohol. We put pills in a safe and give them every four hours or six hours, or just give them an Ativan when they’re really freaked out.

Or we keep beer in the house and not hard liquor. We try to find ways to minimize the amount that they’re using. And some of us have even gone as far as actually using substances with our loved ones to make sure nothing bad happens. Many of my students and clients have told me they suggest using one drug over another to minimize impact.

The truth is everything that you’ve been doing calls for some compassion on your part for yourself.  Because everything you’ve been doing, you’ve been doing out of a deep desire for everybody to be okay, including yourself.

To make everything and everyone ok, altruistic controllers try and manipulate others for the greater good.

We think we have more power than we actually have. And it’s really hard to get to the place where you realize you’ve done all of this work trying to control the outcome and the outcome is still the outcome. You’re not really impacting it. And that can be really hard to swallow.

The truth is, you don’t have control. Even though you think that you have a lock on it. You really don’t. You really don’t know how much one is using and how bad the addiction truly is and that truth is dangerous if you don’t believe it.

And I say that to you out of love so that you can get the help you need for yourself and everyone else.

You might have kids in your house and they’re having feelings about the addict or alcoholic, especially if it’s a parent or a sibling, but you’re trying to control how they feel about it or how they see it.

You are trying to control by telling others how to think, feel, or behave.

You could be telling them, “well, he’s a drunk, he’s an alcoholic. He’s no good. So, ignore him.”

Or you could be saying, “Moms fine; nothing’s going on.” gaslighting your own kids.

You’re telling your kids they shouldn’t feel the way they feel or they didn’t see what they see. You’re telling everybody how to feel, think, act, and behave. And that’s a form of controlling codependent that is extremely destructive for everybody in the family.

Everyone needs to have permission to express their own feelings. It affects everybody in a different way. We all need a safe outlet to be able to express how this affects us.

That’s exactly why we have our family program and our support group that meets every Wednesday night at 7:00 p.m.

I’ve dedicated my life to understanding codependence and dealing with addiction in the family. And I have extensive education. And through this experience, I’ve come up with eight different ways that we are codependent in these relationships. And a controlling codependent is just one.

You can download the free book, Attachment Personality Patterns, Identifying your Codependency Programming, and start to see other members of the family.

If you’re dealing with addiction in your family, this could be a long ride. You could be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Or you may decide to leave the relationship or go no contact.

It’s important that you get the support you need on the journey, especially if you have related to this article.

In the meantime, I wish you peace.

Love,

Coach Heidi

There’s no more frustrating relationship than the one with an addict and alcoholic because it’s like you’re with two people: the person you know that exists inside of the person you love and the person they’re showing up as today. 

Are you asking yourself “Should I stay or should I go? How do you know when is it time to leave the relationship?

LIkely, you have put what you want on the back burner in hopes of getting your loved one better. Most of the time you’re so busy figuring out what’s going to help them or get them sober or stop them from hurting themselves or others that all of your focus and energy is on them instead of on what you really want.

 Here, we are going to look at 5 key indicators that it’s time to consider leaving the relationship. That may also mean taking some time away to work on yourself because here’s what I know for sure~ you need to get better whether they get better or not.

Being in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic hurts you in ways you may not yet recognize. It impacts the entire family. Understanding this impact is the key to your healing.

That’s what we try to do at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com. We want to equip, educate and empower you with the resources you need to live a sane, happy life. 

There, you will find our Helping Versus Hurting Checklist as well as a free Boundary Workshop.

In the meantime, here are the 5 signs it’s time to consider leaving an addict or alcoholic.

Number 1. You’re waiting for proof or evidence that it’s okay for you to go. 

You’re waiting around to justify your exit so no one can fault you for leaving.We can get very wrapped up in the opinions of others. The truth is, you don’t have to justify your own desire to have something better or  something different. Misery doesn’t have to be the barometer for change. You don’t have to wait until it’s BAD ENOUGH to justify leaving.

You are justified because it’s your desire. You need not prove that to anyone. 

Number 2. You’re waiting for them to change.

 Ask yourself this question: “If they were never to change and addiction was going to be a part of this person’s life for the rest of their life, do you want this person?”

That’s an important question to ask because addiction is a part of that person. You do not get to choose them without it. It’s a package deal.

You don’t get to say, “I only want you sober” if you’re not prepared to leave.

Odds are, this person will  be in and out of recovery and addiction is a part of the ride. Do you want to go on that ride?

You get to say no! But know that no means being with a NON addict or NON alcoholic. 

If you choose to be in this relationship, you are choosing to ride the roller coaster that is addiction. It can feel like being in a hurricane. But in a hurricane, you can protect yourself emotionally, financially, physically and the same is true in addiction. I can teach you these things in my programs. 

Number 3. You are strategizing, manipulating or controlling this person in an attempt to fix them or control their behavior.

Look, I know you are a powerful person. But you have absolutely no power here. You cannot work harder on one’s recovery than they do. 

It is up to them to work a sober lifestyle. You can spend an inordinate amount of time researching, solving and fixing problems. 

Your partner is not a problem you can solve. It is up to them to learn why they use and how to be sober. 

You cannot strategize another’s addiction into submission. 

The truth is, we can get a lot of our needs met in trying to fix and solve problems. We have a false sense of control and it makes us feel good about ourselves and better about the problem. 

In my latest video, I tell a story about this exact thing when I tried to get and keep my dad sober.  

Number 4. You are constantly making excuses and justifications and rationalizations for the addicts behavior.

Now while I attest there is nothing you can do to make someone get sober, there are things you can do that will help them stay sick. 

In my checklist, Helping or Hurting, I give you examples of this dangerous behavior. 

Maybe you cosign the use of drugs or you excuse the behavior. If you minimize, rationalize their use, you are part of the problem and essentially, making it easier for them to die quicker.

I know that’s harsh. Let me tell you how I know this…I’ve seen it first hand when I worked as a teacher inside of a drug and alcohol treatment center for almost a decade.

I helped thousands of clients day in and out and counseled hundreds of families in our family program. Making it easier for one to stay sick is enabling. And if that is you, it’s better to go than to stay.

Number 5. You don’t like who you are in this relationship.

When you envisioned a loving relationship, this is not what you pictured. You want to be the best version of you. Nit the version that is full of rage, resentment, anxiety and sadness.

You do not like this version of you. But you believe that if they change, it will all be made better. But the reality is, you need to heal.

Sometimes when I say you need to get better too, it’s met with resistance. I’ve heard people say, “Why should I work on myself? They are the ones with the problem!”

That’s true. But their problem has gotten all over you. 

Maybe you’re embarrassed and you don’t know where to go or who to talk to. That’s why we have the option of private or semi private coaching. You can either have the benefit of being helped one on one or in a small group where others understand what you’re going through.

In any case, whether it’s Al Anon or Coaching with me, you need support.

 I hope you have found this helpful. Please leave a comment, like or share if it has benefitted you so we can continue to reach more people.

With Love,

Coach Heidi

Here’s the truth. You can have absolutely everything else but if you have a relationship that causes you  confusion, anxiety, resentment, or pain, then you’ll ask yourself “what’s the point?” You deserve better than that. So, how do you  have the peace and sanity you deserve, especially when it comes to dealing with a relationship with an addict and alcoholic?

Let’s be real. When you have a relationship with an addict or an alcoholic, you feel like you have  two people. You have the person you know your loved one can be and you have the person that is currently showing up for you.

There’s a tug of war between the two and you wonder if you can ever trust this person to do the right thing. 

You grow so resentful and tired of believing the lies only to be disappointed over and over again! When should you stop trusting an addict or alcoholic to do the right thing?

There comes a point where you think, “I’ve got to stop being so gullible.”

I have an online family program that I run with a group component, and at the start of the family’s journey I ask everybody, “who is dealing with this addiction for the first time?” A few raise their hands. Then I ask, “Who is dealing with a relapse for the first time?”, a few more hands go up. Then I keep asking how many times their loved one has relapsed and sometimes I get all the way to 22 times.”

But sometimes recovery is like that. It’s like a combination lock and every time somebody goes into treatment they get another number on the lock and they’re a little closer to long term recovery.  Sometimes it takes more than one try, more than one number to be set free. And we never know when that’s going to be.

So we remain “cautiously optimistic.”

But what does that really mean?

Trust is the foundation of every good relationship. Without trust, we have nowhere to go. I know you want to trust and I know you are keeping the hope alive that your loved one will finally get it! But I also know you are in immense pain and your feelings run the gamut from despair to numb. 

You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop and when they are sober, you can’t even feel happy because you think, “it’s only a matter of time before it all goes to Hell again.”

Your pain is real. Your anxiety is valid. Your feelings matter! But if you’re used to walking on eggshells, you won’t know what to do with your pain. 

You may feel guilty for being angry or feeling distrustful. Your addicted loved one may even put the blame for their relapse on you for not “believing in them enough”. It’s an unbelievably hard place to be in. 

We don’t talk about the family enough.  And that’s why my mission is so important to me. Addition affects the family so much more than we realize or give attention to. 

There’s a lot more help for the addict or alcoholic. And one can feel like you have nowhere to go. 

The truth is, of course the addict has had it rough. But you may have had  it worse.

Why? Because while the addict was high, checked out, or sleep walking their way through the pain they caused, you were awake for every second of it. 

You may find out that you’re just now realizing the massive impact this has made of you mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically. 

So, back to trust. When do you stop trusting that the addict or alcoholic will do the right thing?

Here’s the rule. You can always trust something to be what it is and you can never trust something to be what it is not. 

For example, I am going to trust that a chicken is a chicken and a tree is a tree. But I’m not going to trust that a chicken is a tree. (no matter how much potential I believe it has or how much I think it should be or the story that if the tree loved me it would.)

What that means for you when a person is active in their addiction, you’re not going to trust him or her to behave in any other way than an addict in active addiction would behave.

You start to realize that getting mad at an alcoholic for drinking is like wanting a chicken to be a tree. 

When you say, “I trusted you that you wouldn’t use drugs”, “I trusted you that you wouldn’t drink today”, “I trusted you not to get high.”, “I trusted you to go to the meeting.”. It is the same as saying, “I trusted the chicken to be a tree.”

It’s ridiculous. It doesn’t make any sense. 

 So, what do you do? Give up believing? Give up hope? Stop trusting forever?

No. You never give up hope. You never stop having faith that things can and will be different. But you give that to your higher power and you deal in reality.

Here’s what happens. You call out the person for using. They promise they will get help and start to work some kind of program. You get happy. Your brain gets flooded with happy chemicals and you become high on hope. You think, “Thank God! They finally get it! It’s over!”

BUT NOTHING HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED YET.

So, here’s the new way to look at things. I do not want you to believe anything that comes out of an active addict or alcoholics month~ EVER.I want you to watch what they do instead.

I don’t want you to believe anything that comes out of an addict’s mouth in recovery for the first full year. I want you to watch what they DO instead. 

The truth is they want what they are saying to be true. And you can want it too. But it hasn’t happened yet!

So, support their intention. But understand all they are giving are ideas. Nothing has happened yet. 

You can say, “That sounds great! I can’t wait to see that!” Then WATCH.

It will either happen or it won’t. And then, you are left with what to do next. Those are called boundaries.

If you need help with boundaries, you can find a free workshop at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com 

So that’s it for now. I’m keeping it simple because it is. 

Love,

Coach Heidi

Why do people stay in toxic or dysfunctional relationships? You’re smart. In other areas of your life you can make things work and people are around you scratching their head wondering why you’re in the relationships you are. And even you have asked yourself on numerous occasions, ”Why the hell can’t I break free from this person? What is this magnetism that I’m drawn to?” Of course, there are many reasons people stay in toxic or dysfunctional relationships, but I am going to outline 3 of them. The first reason I think that people stay in a toxic relationship is because they don’t know they’re in one. They will use words to describe their partner like self-absorbed, mean, controlling, selfish, insecure or entitled. They’ll use these words instead of toxic, abusive or dysfunctional. And I find this especially true if this person grew up in a dysfunctional family. Often, this leads to questioning what’s healthy or normal in relationships. Sometimes, we just think of these toxic people as people “difficult” or “complicated.” Another thing I find among those who grew up in toxic households is that we cultivate an ability to make sense out of people’s crazy. But just because you can make sense of people crazy doesn’t mean that you should live inside the crazy. Maybe you end up rationalizing or making excuses for their bad behavior. You say, “Well you know that they’re having a really hard time right now” or ‘“They just grew up kind of jacked up so they behave this way because of that.” This may or may not be true. This issue is it borders into this area of what I called Toxic Compassion, which is your innate ability to make sense of other people’s bad behavior, giving you an excuse to tolerate said behavior simultaneously, What we need to do when we’re dealing with a toxic or dysfunctional person is to call a spade a spade and actually start calling it what it is~ Toxic. If you still have questions as to whether or not they are toxic, go over to www.LoveCoachHeidi.com where you will find the common traits. The second reason that people stay in toxic or dysfunctional relationships for my perspective, is because they internalize the toxic person’s behavior You theorize that if you would just say or do the right thing, they will change. You think if you could behave better you can bring out the best in that person. But let’s be real. Sometimes the best just ain’t there! I think our environment of toxic positivity really screws this up here because we are told that everybody has the potential to be wonderful and kind and loving. No honey, no they all don’t. You know there are locusts and there are honey bees and they both serve a very good purpose in this world. One creates and another destroys. Humans mirror nature. You can’t hang onto potential and hope a locust will turn into a honey bee. And you can only see people clearly if you stop internalizing their behavior. If the toxic person is also gaslighting you to make you believe it really is your fault, this only makes matters worse. They may say things to you like, “I never would have behaved that way if you hadn’t done what you did.” “I didn’t really hurt you.” “I didn’t really say that to you.” And if they’re a person who uses drugs or alcohol and is abusive they may say, “That’s not the real me. I would never do that if I didn’t have a drink in me.” The truth is research shows that abusive or toxic people are abusive and toxic and alcohol just exacerbates it. Alcohol doesn’t create abusive people. Drugs and alcohol aren’t the reason that somebody’s abusive. People are abusive and use drugs and alcohol and abuse people. We have to stop rationalizing and justifying unacceptable behavior. We’ve all heard hurt people hurt people. NO. Not all hurt people hurt people. Some hurt people help people. Toxic people hurt people. We have to stop internalizing somebody else’s behavior and making their bad behavior a reflection of something we’re doing or not doing and stop scrambling and hustling in an effort to be a better human being so we can make it go away. Did you ever notice that even when you seem to be on your best behavior and doing all the right things that they’re still mean and cruel to you? And then scratch your head and wonder why they treated you that way? If you find yourself asking questions like “What did I do to deserve that?” That’s a really big clue that you’re in a toxic relationship. This is a locust my little honey bee. Okay now you’re not a victim here, are you? Once you’re aware of what’s happening you become a volunteer. Once we see the light we can’t keep signing up for somebody’s bulshit the same way we have been over and over because once we know better, we do better. I want you to understand, I’m not talking about an abusive relationship where you feel unsafe. If you’re in an abusive situation, I don’t advise you to like to jump up and start speaking your truth and making big moves. I advise you to go to www.thehotline.org and get support right now. But if you are not in a situation where you feel unsafe to make some changes, you can certainly do so now. Let’s say you are starting to see the toxic person clearly and you are able to stop internalizing their behavior but you’re still stuck. Why? The third reason we stay is because of trauma bonds. At the end of the day, your magnetism to “Jack” or “Suzie” isn’t really about Jack or Suzie. It’s about an unresolved issue that has been triggered up in you. It’s at this point that my clients say, “But Heidi. I’m an extremely strong, independent, person. I’ve worked through my stuff. Everybody did the best they could. I’m over it. I have no desire to go back and look at any of that stuff because that’s in the past. thank God. Seriously. We don’t need to do that. Everyone did the best they could. It really is just this person.” Look, I get it I get it. I know what you mean! You have intellectually made peace with the past. But trauma lives in the body and takes the form of compulsive self destructive patterning that keeps sucking you back into hurtful scenarios. So how do you identify and confront that pattering? You get with someone who is qualified and equipped to help make sense of it all. I’d certainly love to be the one to come alongside you and help you. I’ve Created an entire program to heal all of this. It’s called LYFE School and you can find out more information at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com In the meantime, awareness is always step one before we take action. You can’t fix what you won’t face. Take the next few days to look at your relationship. What is the truth of your situation? Love, Coach Heidi