I’ve been in a F.U.N.K…Fu**&ing Uncomfortable Not Knowing…What’s Wrong with Me?
When things are going great and we feel like a million bucks, no one stops dead in their tracks and goes… “Wait a minute. What’s wrong with me?”
We’re just expecting to feel good. But as soon as a funk comes to town, our world stops and we ponder our problem day and night. As if it’s not normal to feel bad.
So, perplexed at what could potentially be happening, we simply say “I’m in a funk.”
That’s where I’ve been. Feeling sad, pissed, irritated, anxious, and bored. Wanting to eat everything not nailed down, but remembering I’m managing an eating disorder. So, binging to feel better is out of the question because I know it only makes me feel twice as bad.
Coping this week involved…..
Who am I kidding? Sometimes when I get in a funk I don’t want to anything. Including the things that help me cope. Still, I’m trying not to be the mood police. Mostly because I hate when other people do that to me. “Are you ok?” “What’s wrong with you?”
I used to get that all of the time. And mostly because I walked around with a forced perma-smile on my face and just beneath that was a little forced cheerleader like., “A is for awesome, awesome, awesome, are we!”
But I’m not awesome. I’m in a funk.
I remember a day when I couldn’t identify any feelings other than rageful, devastated, embarrassed, or shameful.
Because in the past when I was feeling like this, I did things to hurt myself further.
When I felt sad or anxious, I drank or ate. And then, I felt shame and regret on top of sadness or anxiety.
These days, I don’t run to French fries, Chinese, or wine. I run to self–compassion and patience. But let’s get real…those things seem to take longer.
But only in the short term. In the long run, running to destructive methods to feel better only ever made me feel worse.
Still, the seeker of immediate gratification in me wants to feel better RIGHT NOW!
I have videos to make. People to help, a toddler to play with, and a husband to connect with.
But none of those things are getting done the way I’d like them to be done right now.
But guess what? That’s ok.
Yes! I said it…that’s fucking ok.
Part of the reason it takes longer to come out of the funk is the judgement about being in the funk in the first place.
So, I practice radical acceptance.
I’m in a funk. OK. That’s OK that I’m in a funk! I don’t have to hide it, or fix it right the hell now.
I can just be in a funk. And guess what….
I didn’t post a video last week and no one died.
I didn’t play with as much enthusiasm as I wanted to. And Ellie didn’t bat an eye.
I didn’t connect with my husband the way I wanted to, but I told him what was up and that connected us in another way.
I have to be willing to allow and accept feelings. And that means all of them.
The tide comes in and the tide goes out.
The seasons change.
And so do my moods. Do I think I’m somehow going to be the only living being in the world that doesn’t experience shifts or changes or follows the rules of the Universe?
This too shall pass. And when it does, it will increase my gratitude for when I truly feel AWESOME.
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