Being open, trusting, and the V-word….

#3 of 7 Stupid behaviors keeping you single or struggling in your relationships.

Many of the women I get the pleasure of helping have TRUST ISSUES. It’s a thing. And it’s a thing that goes deep. How do you learn to trust? How do you open up? 

Rumi said…”Your task is not to seek love, you task is to remove the barriers you have built against it.”

Recovery and Relationships

Recovery and relationships: you’re different and you have unique needs when it comes to dating and relationships

I see you over there, working your ass off to get healthy. Everyone tells you that you shouldn’t be interested in relationships. In fact, that should be the last thing on your mind. But it’s not. You feel alone and you’re tired of being alone. You know that feeling alone is part of the reason you use in the first place.

But, when you’re in a relationship, you either lose yourself totally, even getting obsessed. Or you keep so much distance out of fear that you never let anyone get too close to you.

It all feels so black and white. Your relationships are either awesome or horrific. Nothing in between.

You feel like no one really understands you. You have a hard time opening up in relationships. You keep most everything to yourself. It takes you awhile to trust people. You kind of feel like everyone is full of shit.

You also don’t know how to need without coming off as too needy.

You attract guys, but when you get close to them, usually after you sleep with them, you find out they’re jerks.

Or you are with a man and he doesn’t support you.

He says things like, “I want the old you back.” But you and I both know the old you is what led you to drugs and alcohol in the first place. You want to be you…2.0.

Maybe you’ve caused a lot of damage in your relationship. You cheated, or left the “good guy” and now you’re wondering if it’s too late for you and you missed your chance at true love.

Or, maybe you’re in a relationship left to wonder if there’s too much water under the bridge.

Or maybe you are wanting to learn all you can so that you don’t keep repeating old patterns. You want love. But, once you open up, you find that you get hurt again! He leaves you or cheats on you and you get blindsided. So you put up more walls. Pushing people away.

Perhaps you convince yourself that it’s better to be alone. But ending up alone is your biggest fear.

You need to figure this out. And you have to do it now.

What’s the point of getting sober?

In my opinion, the point of getting sober is to live an amazing, fulfilling, extraordinary life and a big part of living that life includes experiencing love on the deepest level possible.

You’re here to connect. You’re here to love and be loved and if you have been suffering from addiction, it’s a lot more than likely that relationships have been a source of pain for you for quite some time.

When I was researching competition for this book, I googled a lot of things like relationships in recovery, relationship problems for addicts, how to be in a relationship in recovery. And do you know that the only thing that came up was “warning signs when you date an addict.” And “Why you should stay out of relationships in recovery”?

Until now, NO ONE is teaching what you need to learn the mostThe nitty gritty, get down to it answers to your real life questions.

Let’s pretend that you plan on taking a year off from relationships. Ok, great! What do you expect to happen after that year? Are you magically going to be amazing at relationships? NO! You won’t! Because while you were working on yourself, you weren’t learning how to be with another person.

The path to enlightenment isn’t a solitary walk. You don’t get better at relationships by being alone.

Relationships teach you the most about yourself. And eventually you will be in one. What are you doing to prepare?

And what about those of you who are already in relationships? Too bad? Too late? Work on yourself? That’s all fine and good, but you have a partner and you need each other. You need to learn how to communicate, build trust, and move on from the past.

Listen, not talking about relationships is like refusing to talk about sex to a bunch of pregnant 7th graders. They are having sex and you are in relationships.

And you should be. You are built for love and you deserve it.

But let’s be honest, you’re bad at it. And that’s where I come in.

I spent over a decade coaching “normies” in their relationships. I was very successful. I even served as the Director of Operations for the Matchmaking institute in NYC, where I helped 100’s of people start their own matchmaking and dating companies. And at one point, I had a cushy office in Beverly Hills where I charged 20,000 dollars per client to help them find love.

And then, I got recruited to teach “how to have a healthy relationship” at one of the world’s leading drug and alcohol treatment centers. And that is where I really learned about love.

It was there, over the course of five ears, that I had thousands of case studies. Clients asked the same questions over and over.

They wanted specific answers and practical advice on how to deal with their partners and how to get ready to have a healthy relationship.

So, year after year, day in and day out, I taught Love classes. Over 1700 classes. I had the privilege of teaching those classes to thousands of people. And after they left the treatment center, I found that they were writing to me and calling me to tell me how amazing their relationships were! People were healing their marriages, and people were getting into amazing relationships!

What a transformation!

The truth is that relationships are the number one reason people give for relapsing.

And addiction is a disease of loneliness. But no one is teaching you how to love. I am willing to be a renegade for a good cause. In the five years, it became crystal clear how and what you want to learn about love. You want your questions answered directly. You don’t want “concepts”, you want concrete strategies. You want to be directed what to do, or what to say, or how to handle things.

And you want specific questions answered. You don’t want to waste time.

So, that’s how I’ve organized this book.

It’s a series of questions that have been asked thousands of times. I answer them one at a time.

There are two sections: Singles and “committeds”

My hope is that you find this book useful for your whole relationship journey to True Love.

It’s also my hope that we get this book into as many hands as possible who need to read it. So, please tell as many women as you can about it and where to get it.

Let’s work together to teach love to as many people as possible.

Love will save us, you know?

Love heals all and all there is, is love.

Buy the BOOK

How much should you share about your addiction?

​That depends on 1 question. Why do they need to know?
Let’s say that you’re a person who eats, lives, and breathes recovery, and you identify as an addict or alcoholic. Addiction and recovery are a big part of who you are. So, it’s probably important that you share such a big part of who you are with someone you want to share your life with.
Basically, if recovery and addiction are a big part of who you are, they you should bring it up. And hopefully you don’t let shame or fear of rejection deter you.
If someone you are interested in thinks less of you for your struggles, then they are telling you that they’re not right for you.
You want someone who celebrates the fact that you’re a survivor and an overcomer. Not someone who thinks less of you for what you’ve been through.
It’s true that some people don’t understand addiction. So, it might be up to you to educate them.
Think of it this way. Let’s pretend you had cancer. And you worked really hard and the cancer went into remission. You started dating someone new. Would you tell them about the cancer? When would you tell them about it? How much would you tell them? And why would you tell them?
Most people would say, I’d tell them when I felt like we were getting serious. And I’d tell them just what I wanted to share about my experience. And I’d tell them because there is a chance it could return.
Maybe you wouldn’t share all the stories about how you threw up every time you got chemo. But there would probably be a sense of pride in telling the story of overcoming.
When people share their stories of overcoming cancer, people cheer them on and celebrate their bravery.
Do you know that you deserve the same celebration?
It’s true. You are amazing!
The problem is that you have done things you are ashamed of in your addiction. Things you probably don’t want anyone to find out about.
But the truth is, you and I both know that’s not what you would have done if you weren’t a slave to the compulsion. And it’s certainly not the woman you are today.
We’ve all done things we regret. But those things have gotten us closer to the woman we are today.
We really need to get rid of the shame associated with addiction and that starts with you.
A person you love and who loves you will probably want to know as much as you’re willing to share.
Be proud of yourself for surviving. Be proud of yourself for doing the work to get better. Be proud of yourself! Let’s go make t-shirts and shout it from the roof tops, “I kicked addiction’s ass!”
You are amazing! Only be with people who agree.
Please share today’s message with a someone who could use it!
Love you!

What makes you trust someone isn’t their integrity, responsibility or their authenticity. It’s THIS…

What happens when you walk through your relationship life believing you can’t trust men?
“Any minute now this guy is going to show me his true colors.”
“Sure, he seems all nice now, that’s just because he wants sex.”
“Any day now, the other shoe is going to drop with this guy!”
Do you find yourself saying things like this?
When women don’t trust men, it can show up in a multitude of ways. One way, of course, is isolating. Why? It’s easier to stay alone than risk being let down.
How does it show up in your relationships when you don’t trust men?
It usually shows up in one of two ways.

  1. You are a tester
  2. You keep emotional distance

If you’re a tester, you find yourself pushing buttons. You will basically do whatever you have to do to get this guy to “crack”, meaning- show you his true colors. So, you constantly try to poke and prod him to see how he will handle it.
If you are an emotional distancer, you will keep an emotional buffer between you and him. You will get close, but not too close. You may even choose men you are less attracted to so you don’t get too caught up.
So, what makes you trust someone?
Immediately when I ask this, most people say, “Integrity. People keep their word.”
I can be a person who always does what I say I’m going to do. I can be excellent at keeping my word. But if my word is I’m leaving you and I do it, you don’t trust me.
Other say, “Responsibility. They are committed.” Well, I can agree to only be responsible for myself and leave you feeling totally unsupported. And you won’t trust me.
Then, someone will say, “Realness. Authenticity. They are honest about who they are.”
It can’t be that either because I could be honest about being as ass hole, be an ass hole, tell you I told you so and you still won’t trust me.
People trust for one main reason: aligned mission. The mission? We both have each other’s best interest at heart. You may hurt me, but I am going to assume it wasn’t on purpose.
When I know you have my best interest at heart, I trust you. It’s that simple.
And the main reason you choose men you can’t trust is because you don’t have your own best interest at heart. 
How many times have you let yourself down? How many times have you lied to yourself?
More than likely, you have built an incredible amount of negative trust. You trust yourself to do the wrong thing. You trust yourself not to have your best interest at heart.
So, it’s going to take you consistently proving to yourself that you can count on you before you can learn to count on anyone else.
Do you have your own best interest at heart?
Work on that, and you will attract men you can trust.
I love you,

Losing your Me when you become a WE

When you first meet someone, you can get wrapped up in them. You might think about him all day long, wondering if he’s thinking of you and if he is, what he is thinking. It’s natural to want to make him happy. It’s easy to think more about him than you do about you. But when do you cross the line into being unhealthy?
I knew a girl who every time she got into a relationship, she disappeared. Her friends would be left wondering where she went. She wouldn’t do anything unless she was doing it with her boyfriend. She found herself dressing the way he liked her to and wearing her hair and makeup the way he preferred, and talking about the things he found most interesting.
She ate where he wanted to eat and she saw the movies he wanted to see.
Her friends would tell her she was losing herself.
But she couldn’t see that until the day they broke up.
Then, she looked around and couldn’t remember who she was. Her friends had moved on without her and she was left trying to figure out how to get back to her old self.
It’s unhealthy when you sacrifice yourself consistently for the preferences of another human being.
When you meet someone, you shouldn’t feel like you have to bend yourself into a more attractive version of you in order to stay attractive to him. Be you. Do you. Like what you like.
And if it differs from him, that’s ok. You are your own person with your own set of preferences.
If you find yourself bending to be more of who you think he will love, you will always be bending. And unless you’re Gumby, that can eventually be pretty painful.
When you love someone, you shouldn’t smother them.
Relationships are like people, they need air to survive. Give each other some breathing room.
That breathing room is where you retain the space to be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Keep your friendships. Do the things you want to do.

Love you,