Here’s the truth, you can have all the “other stuff”. You can have  the money or the house or the things but if you have a relationship that’s causing you anxiety, confusion, resentment or pain it’s all-consuming. you can’t think of anything , so you’ll  ask yourself. “What’s the point?” 

 

Emotional unavailability is a common problem. 

 

I hear about all the time and usually sounds like a woman complaining about a man, “Why can’t he just tell me how he feels?”

 

Before I really get into this, I want to say that this is  not a slam on guys. 

 

I work with a lot of men and I think men are phenomenal.  I think we have to pitted the sexes against each other and I want to take a stand against that. 

 

Because what I know for sure after 20 years of doing this type of work is we are more alike than we are different. 

 

It’s not Mars and Venus. It’s  Earth. We’re all from the same damn place and we’re all wrestling with the same darn problems, including emotional unavailability.

 

This isn’t a gender issue this it’s  an upbringing issue.

 

As far as I’m concerned we’re all born with a certain level of sensitivity. Those types of things are fixed. But what’s not fixed is how much we are encouraged to talk about our feelings or share and process them in  the environments we grew up in.

 

 it was either fostered or it was poo pooed.

 

“Big Girls Don’t Cry”. “Suck it up buttercup.” 

 

And this was happening especially if you were a guy.

 

Men were not encouraged to share their feelings.

 

In fact, the only ways they were enccouraged to  express themselves was through anger (fighting) and sex.

 

Those were the two places that it was okay for a guy to be wild to let loose or fully express himself and it’s kind of a crying shame because I believe under the right circumstances most men can be emotionally available.  

 

When a woman gets in a relationship with a man and then asks him how he feels, he can get to the place of figuring it out.

I once heard a talk about the difference between the male and female brain. The assertion was that women’s brains are like a computer. Already ready with information at her fingertips because it’s all interconnected.

 

But a man’s brain has boxes. He has lots of boxes:a family box , a recreation box, a work box, a feelings box.

 

And  when you ask him a question he’s in one box. He needs to take time to get out of that one box and get into the other box.

 

And from a woman’s perspective if he  can’t answer her right away, he’s either making it up or he  doesn’t know how he feels.

 

I think that we could do a lot better if we can give men  the benefit of the doubt.

 

What is emotionally unavailability is not necessarily their nature?

If it is their nature, then we may be talking about a dysfuctinal or toxic pereson

 

What if he probably grew up encouraged or discouraged to share and  articulate his feelings?

 

WHat if we gave him the space and the opportunity to be able to express himself? 

 

What if we asked a question, had patience and waited for the answer to develop within him?

 

The truth is that men do have a lot to say.  

 

Another unfortunate piece to this is that when men do start to share their feelings, sometimes they get shamed by the very woman that’s asking for them. 

 

When he is in love, he starts to open  and share more and sometimes his insecurities will come out and then she’s turned off.

 

 “My God you feel too much! She says. “Be confident!.” “What happened to the strong silent type?”

 

So he can’t really win. 

 

He does want to express himself; he just needs a minute to get there and then to be respected for sharing. 

 

I’ve been guilty of this in  my own relationship when my husband shares how he feels, and it’s something that I wish he didn’t feel. I don’t want him to feel the way he does, so I try and talk him out of his feelings. 

 

I might say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

I just dissuaded him from sharing in the future because he’s come out with it and then I made him wrong.

 

You  don’t have to make somebody else’s feelings about you.

 

You don’t have to personalize or internalize their feelings; you can allow people to have their perspective.

 

You can take it in but don’t take it on and don’t wear it around.

 

Say, “I hear that you feel that way”.  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

 

That’s how you keep encouraging the dialogue.

 

JUst a caveat. When we work together, there are three levels of enlightenment: beginner apprentice and Mastery.

 

Beginner is entry level information. apprentices go a little bit deeper and MASTERS GET  to Jedi skills. When we are beginning,  we’re talking about each other (he does, she does).

 

When we get to Apprentice we’re talking about each of us together-collectively.

 

In Mastery, we’re talking about ourselves. Because Knowing yourself is the only truth.

 

Nine times out of ten, when we’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, it is we who are  withholding.

 

In most cases, we  are just attracting a reflection of our emotional unavailability and projecting it on another. 

 

But until we get to Mastery, try these 3 tips.

 

1.  When you’re with your partner, ask a question about how he feels about something. It can be anything.
2. Say nothing just sit quietly.
3. Encourage him with those verbal cues to keep going. See how long he can go. Be surprised thinking “Oh my God there’s so much more in there than I thought there was!”

 

I’ love to hear how this works out for you! So, please leave  your comments and as always you can request a video!  I’m happy to make a video for you! It’s my hearts desire to serve you make sure that you are getting what you need.

 

 Love,

Coach Heidi