The Power of Detachment

The Power of Detachment

*This is a video transcription, please pardon any miscellaneous annoying stuff that should have been edited out but we don’t have that kind of time around here.*

I was driving my daughter to school this morning and she asked me to put the top down on the convertible. I was like, heck yeah! Let’s put the top down. It was a beautiful morning here in Florida so I put the top down and we’re driving to school.  She’s playing her favorite songs and we’re rocking out. I dropped her off and I was driving down the highway and I started speeding up. I was going kind of fast down the highway and the wind was in my hair. I was listening to this song about being unstoppable and having all this power from within. I’m going to tell you at that moment, I felt free. I was like, yes.  I’m driving down, the wind’s whipping. I just thought, man, this is my life now. This is my life.

I’m driving down the highway, and not the car. Okay. Not all that stuff. But the internal feeling of completely being in my power, in that car with the wind whipping my hair and feeling that total sense of freedom. I’m talking financial freedom, emotional freedom, psychological freedom, spiritual freedom, the freedom to be me down that highway. I thought, oh my God. I have come freaking far. A very far way. It’s a far cry from the person that I used to be, who had moments of feeling free in my life. Moments of having that type of power, but they were fleeting because it was always clouded by this intense inner critic that was constantly judging me. Telling me, well, you’re not really enough. You’re not really as good as you think you are, or who do you think you are? And so on and so forth.

So I would find that even though I was successful, there was this always self-sabotage loop running behind me where I’d be successful in one area in my life, but here my relationships would be terrible and they would suck. I would be in one-sided relationships where I would pour all my resources and energy into somebody else and they would take it from me. But then at the end of the day, I felt rejected or unseen. Not heard, not valued, not respected, not cherished, certainly not treasured, and all the things I wanted to feel. It would be so hurtful for me. I’d be in these relationships that were confusing for me. I didn’t know from one minute to the next, should I stay. Should I go?

That’s certainly not that feeling of freedom that I’m describing driving down the highway with the top down in the convertible and the wind whipping in my hair. Knowing that I’m happily married to my rock star husband. That I have this beautiful daughter that I’m taking to school who’s making me laugh the whole way. That I’ve created a business that I love. That I have a mission and a purpose that I get to live out in my heart every day. That I’m content. That I am finally financially secure that I don’t have to worry from one minute to the next. I mean, it wasn’t too long before where I’d be worried about running out of gas and driving in neutral downhills just so I could save the gas to be able to get up the hill. That was my life for a really long time.

I asked myself a question, what was the one thing that I mastered?

There are many things that I had to learn along the journey. But what’s the one thing that I mastered that really helped me the most in my life to get from a person who was insecure, constantly self-destructive, drinking and isolating and not happy in her relationships, struggling and stuck, to this person today who is fully in her power and completely free. How did I get there? Now, I’m going to share that with you today. What I’m going to talk about you might think is pretty simple. It is a very simple concept because I’m a simple girl. I do not like to make things complicated. I like to take complicated things and make them very easy. That’s a gift that I have.

So what I’m going to talk to you about is simple, but it’s not easy for us to do. That is the concept of detachment. So that’s the thing that we’re going to be talking about today. I’m super excited to dive into that with you. Before I do, I want to take a moment to say, thank you so much for all of your love and comments. They absolutely mean the world to me. When you participate in this community, your voice is heard. Other people are seeing your comments and what you have to say. We’re building a community of like-minded warriors who are on the healing path to wellness and wholeness. Those of us, who want to create relationships that we truly deserve, create lives that are full of happiness. Those of us that are asking ourselves the question not how bad does it have to be?

Or how bad can we stand it in our lives? Because you’ve been through a lot, and so have I. But the question becomes, how good can I let it get? As I’m driving my convertible down the highway, full tilt boogie, I’m thinking, man, I can even let it get better than this. I know I can. I want the same for you. So if you’re interested in that, let me tell you that this message is brought to you by Heidi Rain, me, and all of the programs that I have to offer you on your healing journey. If you’re interested in any of those programs or courses, you can go over to and check them out. We offer a wide variety of programs. Our Toxic Relationship Recover is one of our most powerful programs that we have. We also have a Family Addiction program where we walk you through. Get answers now. Know exactly what to do when you’re dealing with an addict or an alcoholic in your life.

We have that program as well. Plus retreats where you can be with me on a weekend where we come together and I pour into you. We spend lots of time together, one on one. Many ways that we can spend time together.  So I want to talk about this idea of detachment today. Again, very simple but complicated in order to really grab a hold of. So if you can grab a hold of this and really practice it as a spiritual practice in your life, right? The greatest gap in life, like many, have said. I heard it from John Maxwell and I think he heard it from somebody else.

The greatest gap in life is between knowing and doing. I often share information that people say, oh my God, yeah, that resonates. It makes the hair on your arm stand up. You think, yes, she’s talking to me. She’s singing my song. I know so many of you say that to me on a regular basis. Heidi, you know me. You see me. And I do. So that knowing is really important. Helping you know yourself is really important, but don’t miss that next step. It’s doing. It’s putting that awareness into motion. A lot of the principles and concepts that I teach are very simple, but they are a daily walk. They are things that you need to come home to over and over and over again. It’s not something you’re going to do once.

This concept of detachment is something that you need to do on a daily pretty much until it becomes just a part of who you are. And that’s the magic. That’s the magic moment. When you embody this principle that I’m going to talk to you about today, everything in your life changes. And really it can get a little boring sometimes because it becomes so conflict-free that you’re like, oh my God, how do I make my life exciting? Well, you make your life exciting by driving down the road in your convertible and pursuing your goals and dreams, right? Making your life as good as you can get it. So the first thing that you want to learn how to detach from is an obvious thing, and this is one that you’re probably really familiar with and you’re thinking, yeah, how do I do it?

That is to detach from who other people think you’re supposed to be. Now, this again is a no-brainer, right? From my perspective. There are tons of videos, tons of information on Google, how do you care less what other people think of you? But this concept, if you can get a hold of this in yourself and really internalize it, becomes your decision on the inside of who am I.  If you do not know who you are, you will let everybody else in your life dictate who they think you’re supposed to be. You’ll get really hung up and you’ll have a committee around you and you’ll constantly need other people to cosign whatever decisions you’re making in your life, whatever steps you’re taking. You’ll look for affirmation and confirmation from everybody else in your life instead of having an internal gut, knowing that you are on the right path for yourself.

How does that happen? How do you get swayed into looking around for approval from everybody else? When you’re living for likes, instead of for yourself. When you’re looking to others to dictate who they think you are, who you should be versus knowing who you really are on the inside. Well, when you’re born, you kind of are who you are, right? You have this intrinsic, kind of like an acorn is always an Oak tree. An Acorn is born an Oak tree, it just doesn’t know it yet. A tadpole is born a frog, it just doesn’t know it yet. So you have everything you need within you to become your destiny of who you’re meant to be in the world. But it gets fucked up.

And how does it do that? Well, most of us get fucked up because we were born into a dysfunctional family, a F-up family where they weren’t as kind or loving or supportive or encouraging. You learned early on that who you were wasn’t good enough so you decided to become somebody else. Codependency is another way to say that. I am who you say I am, or I am whoever I need to be in order to be okay and function in this dysfunction. That’s what that is. So you put on a mask and you become who other people have told you to be. Many of us don’t even know we’re doing this. We just think that’s who we really are. But how do you know that you’re not your authentic true self and you are who other people say you are is because it doesn’t feel right?

It’s not aligned on the inside. You feel like an imposter. In fact, you have imposter syndrome. You’re waiting to be found out. I’m not who you think I am, that’s the feeling that you have. Also feelings of frustration, feelings of overwhelm, feelings of rage, feelings of resentment. These are all indicators that you’re being who you need to be instead of who you really are. So how do you do that? How do you stop and detach from who other people think you’re supposed to be? Well, step number one is to find out who you’ve been. If you’re going to find out who you are, you have to first figure out who the hell you’re not. You have to take a look at who you’ve become in order to survive this dysfunctional place. I actually have eight different personality patterns. I call them Attachment Personality Patterns. Because when we’re born into that family of dysfunction, we’ve surveyed the land and we go, who do I need to be in order to be okay?

And we take on a personality. Some of us have become people pleasers in our lives. That’s a very familiar one for many people where we get the picture in order for me to be liked and loved, I need to put your needs ahead of mind. I need to make sure that you’re okay. I’m going to go with the flow at the sacrifice of myself. And you know you’re not yourself because deep down you have your own ideas. You have your own opinions and thoughts about things, but you don’t share them when it’s going to ruffle too many feathers. So you feel like you’re constantly biting your lip and sitting on your truth. Others of us have become fixers in our lives. We find projects instead of people. We have caseloads instead of friendships because we learned early on that in order to be loved and accepted, we needed to be of value and service to people.

That’s the only way to endear yourself, is to find somebody who’s broken and try to put them back together again. Now you’re in these broken relationships and you think, well, what the fuck. I mean, I’m not happy. They’re not even taking my advice. So you’re not being your true self, which is to put that energy towards you and look at yourself and take yourself to the next level. So many, many ways that we take on these personalities and become somebody we’re not. So the first thing is discovering which pattern you’ve taken on, which pattern you’ve attached to. You can download my free book over at and identify your pattern. That’s a very good first step. And then the detachment comes in when you start to take off the masks. It’s not like you need to find or become your true self. You already are it. Like an acorn is already an oak tree. You need to dig her up. You need to excavate and take off, like when you find a fossil in the cave and we dig around it. We don’t have to create the fossil. We just have to excavate it. We have to dig it up. That’s the same with you. You’re under there. We just have to dig you up. The second thing that you need to detach from, and this is probably more or of equal importance to detaching from what other people think. That’s where we get stuck. We just usually stop there. If I just don’t give a shit what other people think my life is going to be so much better. Okay, that’s true. I know for me when I quieted that inner critic and I stopped caring so much because I was told my whole life, by the way, that I was way too much. I was too opinionated.

One of the things I got most often was I’m too strong. Now, how the hell are you too strong? Imagine somebody telling Wonder Woman, you know, you could tone it down a bit. I mean, that’s her superpower. My strength is my superpower. Many of my clients and students come to me because of that very reason. They want to borrow some of my strength until they can find and muster their own. So that’s not a problem that I’m strong, but I was told it was. So I learned how to kind of soften my power and pretend to be not as powerful and dim my light in order to not offend other people with my shine. I felt so stifled and muffled from doing that, that something had to give. I was told I had too many ideas. I had too many opinions. Who did I think I was? All these kinds of verbal abuse that was thrown into my mind stuck with me and I internalized and became my own inner critic.

That’s another version of being who people tell you, you are, instead of who you really are inside. I am opinionated. I have lots of thoughts. I have lots of ideas and guess what? I get paid a lot of money to give those thoughts and ideas because they’re fucking good ideas. That’s not being conceited. That’s having ownership of my giftedness. There’s a big difference between being confident and godfident. Being cocky is like, oh, I’m God’s gift, and being grateful is God’s gifted me. I really truly believe that I have that gift of discernment. Being able to help people with seeing the truth and my strength and my resolve is what helps me along on that journey. And so you have the same. You have gifts and talents in your heart and things that you want to shine more and highlight, but you’ve been told that that’s not attractive, or that’s not what people want or desire.

You’re trying to find a way to walk on eggshells so that you don’t break any eggs so that everybody stays okay.

That’s not okay. It’s certainly not okay for you. The other thing that we need to detach from that gets lost, and most people miss this, so don’t miss it because this is really one of the most life-changing concepts that you can get. That is that you’ve got to detach from who you think other people are supposed to be. This is a tough one because we want people to be who we want them to be. See how that’s such a contradiction. I don’t want other people to tell me who I’m supposed to be, but I damn sure want to tell other people how they’re supposed to be. So it just doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t want other people to tell you who you’re supposed to be, and you want to be left alone to be who you are, you’ve got to leave other people alone and let them be who they are too.

But we don’t do that. We get into relationships with people who are toxic and dysfunctional and try to fix them. We get into relationships with people who are not who we want them to be, and we spend all of our energy, time, and resources in trying to fix those people. That’s not detachment. Detachment is I’m going to let you be who you are instead of who I need you to be for me. I’m going to be who I need to be for me, and let you be who you are. That concept is extremely difficult for people like you who know what people need, know how people should be, know what their full potential is, and just want to help them get there. It’s not malicious what you’re doing. It’s benevolent. You want to help people reach their fullest potential.

But how do you know if that’s an acorn or not? How do you know? Like there are locusts and honeybees and you think everybody’s a honeybee. Everybody’s productive. Everybody contributes to the world, but some people are born locusts and their job is just to destroy shit. Okay. We are not God. We’re not the universe. Well, we kind of are with God. But basically, how do you know what somebody’s destiny is? When you interfere and try to make them and turn them into a honeybee when they’re a locust, where does that leave you? Full of frustration, full of anger, full of rage, full of resentment, and full of confusion. I know they’re a honeybee, but it’s like trying to get a dog to meow. Dogs don’t Meow. People are who they are.

So if we can master that concept, that people are who they are, and we’ve got to let them be who they are and decide if we want to be with them as they are, then our life changes. If you looked at the people in your life and said if this person never changes, if this person is always arrogant and mean, and selfish and rude, and I have no control over that. I can’t fix that. I can’t change that. Do I want to deal inside their stuff? Do I want to be a part of that crazy train? Am I up for that ride? If the answer is no, then that’s your answer. But if your answer is why be with them if they… You got to detach. So these are all the things I teach inside of my programs and courses that are a lot easier said than done.

The greatest gap in life is between knowing and doing.

We know that, right? So I help people know this, but then implement it in their lives. In real-time, coming to me inside of our groups, inside of our programs, and being able to share with me exactly how they’re struggling to implement this, what they are attaching to. Like the Buddha has said, the root of all suffering is attachment. What that means isn’t I can’t have any relationships, I can’t attach. It’s you have to understand what you’re attaching to and what you need to detach from. That eyes wide open approach will set you free because then you’re empowered to make educated decisions. My logo is a graduation cap on a heart. That’s exactly what I aim to do – to marry this logic, this intellect, and this emotion, so that we can think with both and not let one override the other.

Many of you are having one go this way, and one goes this way and you don’t know how to align them and make it all one function. When you do that, that’s when we’re thinking clearly. That’s when we’re able to have the relationships that we truly desire. My aim is to help you get there. I want to move heaven and earth to help you be able to have the relationships that you want and be able to detach and be able to have the life that reflects that convertible down the highway. I want you to have that feeling all the time. Whether you’re in a car or not. Whether you have that or you don’t. That feeling of freedom, that feeling of just being fucking free. That’s what I want for you. Psychological, emotional, financial, and spiritual freedom, but it starts with understanding how you’re tethered.

You can’t be free if you don’t know how you’re tied down. You can’t be full of power if you don’t know where your power sucks are, your power leaks are. I help you identify all of that. I hope you found this helpful. I’m going to trust you did. If you can confirm that with a comment, that would be fantastic. All right? I love you so much.  As always take excellent care of yourself.

Married to an Addict

Married to an Addict

*This is a video transcription, please pardon any miscellaneous annoying stuff that should have been edited out but we don’t have that kind of time around here.*

Addiction is a hurricane.

It’s exactly like a hurricane. I’m going to get into that with you today. I’m going to describe how to survive a hurricane and how to survive an addiction by walking you through this very important analogy that I’ve come up with. I thought about it when I was working inside one of the world’s leading drug and alcohol treatment centers for almost a decade where I had the pleasure of running all the family programming there and the codependency courses. And since now I run this family program virtually, where if you’re interested in joining and you want answers now about how to help your family, you can always go over to

We talk about this and many other things in depth and give you the insight, perspective, education, inspiration, and motivation that you need in order to survive this war that you’re in with your loved one, which can feel like a war without weapons. So today I want you to pay very close attention to this analogy because sometimes it takes coming out of a situation and hearing about it through a different perspective so that the light bulb really goes off. That’s definitely my intention with you is I want to help those light bulbs go off by giving you a different way to think about things. So if you’re ready, let’s get into it. Addiction is like a hurricane. I’ve lived all over the country for sure and in certain parts of the world.

When I was an international business consultant, I traveled a lot. When I met my husband, we decided on Florida. Now I had envisioned Florida in my mind many times. When I was younger, I thought, oh, it’d be so cool to live by the beach and I had this fantasy of Florida. Sometimes the fantasy of Florida is different than the reality of Florida, where the weather can certainly be an issue. Every year we have a hurricane season. Now, whether we want the hurricane or not is irrelevant. We decided to move to Florida, and once we decided to move to South Florida, we knew what we were signing up for. We made the conscious decision. We know what we’re in for. Our eyes are wide open.

Let’s go ahead and move down to Florida. So hurricane season happens and my husband, God love him, gets out every single time and puts those damn shutters up. We should just really invest in getting the windows that are hurricane-proof, but we haven’t done that yet, so he has to manually put those shutters up. He gets up on the ladder and it’s so high, God bless. He puts those up and he toils and toils. It’s probably till about two or three in the morning by the time he gets done, when he does it all in one day. Then he goes to Costco with the other people, because mommy doesn’t like the crowds. I know my role and he has his role. He goes into Costco and he stocks up on all the water, all the canned stuff, and all the stuff that we need in case the hurricane really comes and gets us.

He puts that all in the garage and gets us ready to go. What I do is more of emotional protection. I make sure that we have all the comforts that we need. The first time we had a hurricane come through, our daughter Ellovie was two or three. It was hurricane, Irma. Thank God Irma didn’t do any damage here, but she could have. That’s the thing with the hurricane, it’s like, you never quite know. So my job was to help her, the little one, feel safe emotionally and psychologically. Educating her on what a hurricane is and what it does and how it comes in. Making sure that she had everything she needed in order to feel emotionally safe and psychologically secure to weather this storm.

That meant getting her favorite snacks that she needed, her very own little headlamp, and her favorite books beside her where she knew how to find all her things in case the power went out for days and days. These are all the things that we need to consider when the hurricane is coming in. It’s not just whether the roof gets ripped off. It’s do you have enough to sustain you? What if the power goes out? What if there are floods? You have to consider all the factors when you live in hurricane season. So we do just that, and we prepare. Now, sometimes the hurricane doesn’t make any kind of big deal at all. It’s just a windy day and nothing bad happens. Other times something does happen.  Our room gets flooded and we have to scoop out the water in our sunroom.

Sometimes it’s really bad in certain parts of the world, and it could be just as bad in Florida. It has been at certain times. I think Andrew was the one where it landed and hit and did a lot of freaking damage. So then what’s the next step? After that hurricane comes and you’ve prepared yourself, what’s the next step? Well, you get out and you survey the damage and you start to put your life back together. Now, usually, right after a hurricane, you’ll have some really crazy sunny weather. It’ll be really nice. The sun will come out. Many people, I see my neighbors will leave their shutters up for months after that storm has passed because they’re still afraid or are still like, oh, I’m so weary from the storm and all that work that I did. I’m just going to leave the shutters up and just forget about it.

They miss all that sunshine and they miss all that beautiful weather because they’re awaiting the next storm or they’re so catered out from all the work they did that they just kind of don’t do anything at all. So how is this relative to you? How is addiction like a hurricane in your life? Let’s back up to the beginning of the story. We’re going to go through step by step, how this applies to you in your life. Now I guarantee that no matter how bad the storm is, if you are prepared psychologically, emotionally, physically, and financially for any storm, you can weather any storm, so long as you’re prepared in all those ways. The eye of the hurricane is calm, right? But what happens? It affects everything. It spans out and your loved one is like that too.

They might feel like they’re fine and they’re okay. They’re in the eye of the storm and they’re like, what? No big deal. Around them all this chaos is happening, all this destruction is happening. That’s the first thing we really want to get clear is that when it comes to addiction, every single human being in the vicinity and outside of the vicinity sometimes is impacted by this person’s actions. So it’s all of our responsibility to know how to handle this. A lot of families say, well, Heidi, they are the ones that are broken. They are the ones that need the help. I don’t need the help. They need the help. But you do need the help. You need to know how to prepare, how to protect yourself and how to navigate and weather this storm over which you have absolutely no control.

Again, this is why I recommend that you come alongside of me inside of my coaching program, my live program, which is The Addiction in the Family Program.  The first thing that you need to decide when you’re in a relationship with an addict or an alcoholic, just like the hurricane scenario, where I decided if I wanted to live in Florida, you’ve got to decide, do you want to live inside of addiction? Now, you can’t say I want to live in Florida, but I want the promise that there’s never going to be a hurricane. That’s ridiculous. If I live in Florida, I am signing up for hurricanes. Now I might say I wasn’t aware that it was a hurricane place, and I don’t like that it’s a hurricane place. But if I choose to live in Florida, I am eyes wide open, deciding that I am going to deal in hurricanes.

The same is true for you. Whether or not you married into this knowingly, or you partnered up and got blindsided, or it’s a child where you think I have absolutely no choice. You always absolutely have a choice about how you want to navigate somebody else’s issue. Do you want to live in hurricane season? This is probably the hardest question for most people to answer, this should I stay or should I go phenomenon. It will really leave you confused, full of anxiety, back and forth scratching your head every night. What the hell am I going to do? I want to tell you that’s exactly what we do inside of our program, is help you get that clarity and discernment that you need to know if this relationship is even worth saving. Do you love Florida enough? Is Florida your place? Is this person your person? Outside of addiction is this person your person?

These are all the questions we get to answer. Now, let’s say you decide, yes, Heidi. I like Florida. I love this person. I know I’m in hurricane season. I know I’m inside of another person’s addiction. Teach me how to weather it. Then we get to come alongside of each other, and we get to learn about how to set up your psychological, emotional, financial, and spiritual boundaries around this person. A boundary isn’t an ultimatum. An ultimatum is like, if you don’t quit drinking, I’m going to get out of here, knowing damn well you’re not going anywhere. If the hurricanes don’t stop in Florida, I’m leaving Florida, but you never leave Florida. You have to really decide first, the key to setting a boundary. I’ve said it in my other teachings that I’ve done, the first meeting that you need to have is to come to Jesus with yourself.

You’ve got to decide what it is that you’re available for and unavailable for. What you’re willing to tolerate and what you need to terminate. Those are the decisions that you need to make before you even get into how do you set a boundary. But once you know those things, then we can work to set those boundaries. What are the psychological mind frames that you need to be in, in order to handle this addiction so that you don’t get sucked in? What are the emotional boundaries that you need to set in place? How do you detach and still stay in love? How do you detach from somebody’s behavior, but still maintain a loving relationship? These are all questions that we need to answer in order for you to have the healthy, happy relationship that you really want.

The financial boundaries, especially if you have somebody that has addictions that are draining the bank account, where maybe you’re the one responsible and making all the money and they’re spending it all. How do you get a handle on those types of things? These are all very important questions that you need to answer if you’re going to survive another person’s addiction. Just like I need to know what supplies I need when the hurricane is coming. I need to know how to prepare. Like I prepared my daughter emotionally for the hurricane, you’ve got to prepare your children for the hurricane they’re in. You might think, well, I’m just the wife or the husband and it’s just me who knows. That’s a lie. They know. Your kids know what’s going on. They are well aware. I can’t tell you how many times with the hundreds of families I’ve worked with and the thousands of addicts and alcoholics inside the treatment center, where a young one will come to the family program and the parents will allow that person to come in.

The child will be 10 years old and we will say, well, what do you think is going on here? And they’ll say, well, my dad’s an addict. He overdosed. I don’t know why my mom stays. The information that these kids have about the truth of what’s really going on sometimes is more of an enlightened perspective than you actually have because they’re not blind. They see things and they know what’s going on. So if you’re not in a position where you know how to emotionally protect them and prepare them for what’s happening, then you’re giving them a childhood that they’re going to have to later heal from. I mean, that’s what happens, right? Our goal here at HeidiRain and the coaching and the programs that we have is to give our kids childhoods that they don’t need to heal from and to give them the tools that they need in order to survive.

And yes, you can work with a young child’s mind to educate them on what’s really going on because when they are not educated, they’re thinking that addiction is about them. They’re making it mean that they’re not good enough or dad doesn’t love us enough or mom doesn’t care about the family enough. And I’ll tell you what, hun, even on your bad days, you might have said that once or twice. When you lose your perspective and your center, you might have even said that kind of stuff. I know sure as hell you’ve at least thought it once or twice. This is why you need that education because without it, you are internalizing and personalizing everything the addict and alcoholic do to your own detriment. Your self-esteem starts to erode.

You stop believing in your ability to have the relationship that you deserve and you just start to settle in.

I guess it’s just the way it is, but it’s not. You can take steps. There are things you can do in your relationship to help somebody get better just as there are things you might be doing in your relationship that can help somebody stay stuck and sick, and you need to know the difference between those things. That’s what I’m here to do. It really is my mission. My life’s work is to help break these generational cycles of dysfunction for good. I grew up with an alcoholic and I didn’t have any support. I didn’t have anybody to educate me and tell me what was happening. I internalized a lot of that behavior, and made it about me. I tried to get my dad to quit drinking a million and one times. I dumped bottles down the drain.

I followed him around and I cried at night. I did all the things and I didn’t know what to do to get him help. It wasn’t until I actually started pursuing my own recovery and information that eventually I was able to help my dad get into treatment. He came to the treatment center where I was a teacher. Now that’s a story for another time, but what I’m going to tell you is even in the most hopeless cases, sometimes there is a way to help motivate somebody to seek the help they need. But you have to know how to do that. A lot of the ways that we’re doing are outdated ideas that don’t work anymore. We’re going off of advice that’s not helpful. We even know it when we hear it. We’re like, that’s not going to work. I’m not going to do that. That doesn’t work.

So you’ve been searching for a long time, haven’t you? For information that will really help you and your family. So if I’m saying things to you that are ringing a bell and that are helping you, please don’t stop here. Please consider going all the way and spending three months with me in a private container where I can come alongside of you and help you implement this in your own life. Don’t delay. Act now, so that you’re able to intervene and make the changes in your family that you need in order to be healthy and happy, and whole. So once you learn how to set those boundaries, the next step is probably one of the hardest things for families to do, is after the addict or alcoholic starts to seek treatment and get into recovery things actually sometimes can be a little harder. We don’t know how to stop waiting for that other shoe to drop.

We don’t know how to stop bringing up the past, or when can I bring up the past or what do I do with my anger, Heidi? What do I do with all the resentment and hurt that I feel? What do I do with all the pain? They’re better. They go into treatment. They’re wagging their tail. Ha, I’m all better now, but you’re not. Or sometimes they come home, they go into treatment, they think they’re better, but they’re worse emotionally. You’re fighting more than ever. They’re on some kind of pink cloud thinking that the magic has been restored in the relationship, and you still are keeping an arm’s distance because you don’t know how this is going to shake out. Or the other side of the spectrum, you think they are getting fixed in treatment and you’re so excited. They go away to treatment and you’re like, yes, finally I’m going to have the husband or wife I always wanted.

They relapsed 24 hours out, and you’re like, what the fuck?

That didn’t work? Why didn’t that work? And you’re scratching your head. Do you know there are reasons that things don’t work and there are things that we can do to make sure things work? You need to know what those things are. You’ve got to know what those things are, or you’re not going to be able to be supportive as you want to be. The other piece is when the sun is shining after the hurricane, you’ve got to learn how to step into the sunshine. You’ve got to learn how to enjoy your time. I remember when my dad was in treatment and I was the teacher, it was so crazy. He would come to my classes that I was teaching at the treatment center. I was teaching all the co-dependency stuff and a lot of Adult Children of Alcoholics classes.

I would have my dad in the class and I could’ve, and believe me, I did it first, worry constantly. What’s going to happen when my dad gets out of treatment? What’s going to happen when he gets out? Is he going to stay sober? Where’s he going to go? On and on and on, right? How long is this going to last? Will it last? But I made a decision when my dad was in treatment that I was going to live in the present moment, and I’m going to tell you something. I soaked up every day of those 90 days that he was there. I greeted him every single morning. I gave him a big old hug. I popped my head in and out of the group. At the end of the day, I’d say goodbye and we talk and hug. I savored my sober time with my dad because as a child, that’s all I ever really wanted.

But how about you? Your loved one gets sober and you’re so full of angst and anxiety about when the other shoe’s going to drop that you can’t enjoy the sunshine when it’s here. That’s not your fault. Of course, you feel that way. What the hell? You don’t know how long it’s going to last or what’s going to happen. Or you think, well, I’ll be happy, Heidi, and then I’ll get blindsided so it’s better to stay skeptical than optimistic. These are all the things we tell ourselves and I get it. That’s why I’ve created this program because after hundreds of families saying the same thing and telling me what they needed and wanted, I made a program to make sure that I hit every single one of those problems and issues that they’re bringing to my attention. You might be in Alanon or have some kind of support network for you and I think that’s great.

I think that support groups are fantastic, but my clients need direct advice. They need strategery, that’s not a word. They need strategic advice. They want to know what to do, when to do it, what to say, how to handle things, and that’s the guidance, the expert-level guidance that I’m able to provide to my clients. And so, if you’re interested in that, I just want to encourage you again to schedule a complimentary consultation so you can learn more about how I can serve you and help your family restore the peace and sanity that you so desperately look for and long for in your life. So I think that that’s it. I think that we’ve covered every step. You’ve got to know if you want to live in hurricane season, if you want to deal with addicts and alcoholics. You’ve got to know how to prepare yourself emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically, all the ways.

Then you’ve got to know how to let it go and move into the sunshine when that phase of recovery starts and how to deal with the past and communicate in a brand new way. And then lastly, you’ve got to do the most important thing. This is something I didn’t mention yet. When we step into the sunshine and we learn how to not be so scared that they’re going to relapse. The truth is you still live in hurricane season and odds are another hurricane will come. This is the thing that most people miss. It’s like, whew, thank God that’s over, right? Oh, they went to treatment, now I can. But the truth is hurricane season is hurricane season and addiction is addiction. And for most people, it takes more than one time. It takes many times. I’ll be in a family program and I’ll have my Zoom and everybody’s up.

We do this as a group container so that we know we’re not alone. You can also have private if you want to, but we do a group as well. I’ll say, who is their first time dealing with something like this and hands will go up. The second time, some hands, third time, some hands. Sometimes I get all the way to many, many times and people are still raising their hands. So you have to decide if this hurricane season is somewhere you want to live. And if it is, then I can help you. Now, if it’s not, and you say, Heidi, this is not where I want to live. Then odds are, you have some shrapnel from the relationship you’ve been in, and that’s another program that we have called Toxic Relationship Recovery, where you learn how to heal the wounds that were caused in this addicted relationship.

I love you so much. I hope that you found this helpful, and you can confirm that for me, by leaving a comment. They are so valuable. They’re like gold, and I appreciate each and every one of you and everything you bring to this community.

The Love is Pain LIE

The Love is Pain LIE

When it comes to relationships, what do we really want?

Most of us would answer it by saying, “I just want to be happy”, but happiness comes in a lot of forms.
For some of us, we just want to have a stable situation. We want somebody who is consistent in our lives. Not somebody who is going to make us guess from one minute to the next, how they feel about us. Some of us want consistent kindness, where we’re held in high regard, and we’re not criticized all the time. Some of us want to know from one minute to the next, where we stand.  We don’t want to be confused wondering, “Should I stay? Should I go?”

But at the end of the day, with these different things that we long for, we just want to be loved, but there’s a problem.
You cannot have the relationship that you truly want so long as you continue to believe lies about love. There are a lot of lies that we believe about love, but the number one most insidious lie, permeating your ability to have a consistent, stable, loving, kind, respectful, mutually beneficial relationship is the lie that love hurts.

The truth is love can only ever be loving. Love is not pain. Pain is pain.

I want to work with you to properly diagnose where that lie lives within you.
I really believe that. I think you can only solve a problem to the level of your understanding of that problem. At the end of the day, true transformation happens when we understand ourselves and why we are attracting, settling, and suffering in painful relationships. That is the root of it all. My aim is to rip up that root and replace it with the truth so that you can grow better fruit in your life.

Where do we learn about love?  We learned it from our teachers and some of us had really good teachers, but I guarantee if you’re here, you didn’t have the best teacher about love.  I didn’t either. That’s why I dedicated my whole entire life to figuring out what love is and what isn’t. Where did you learn love is pain? Our point of origin is our rearing.

Some teachers are good, and some aren’t. I remember when I was in seventh grade and I wanted to learn French, I was excited to learn French. The teacher came in and the first thing we learned how to say, “May I sharpen my pencil?” but she taught it with the worst back woods Pennsylvania accent. So, we had no example of how to say it and sound authentic. I knew it didn’t sound right, but I still didn’t know how to say it the right way. It wasn’t until I had a better teacher, in college that I learned a better way.

Love is the same. If we want to love better, we must have better teachers. There are many ways our original teachers fail us when it comes to teaching about love. And we learn love is pain though the way they love us.

The first failed teaching when you have a rejecting parent. Rejection hurts. We can all agree, but how do our signals get crossed? You might have had a very critical parent that tells you constantly all the things you’re doing wrong, all the ways you’re not measuring up, all the ways that you’re screwing up.

Now, this could be traumatic including verbal and emotional abuse or just hyper critical. You’re constantly under this shroud of criticism. That instills a rejection wound. You learn who you are isn’t good enough. Now, how we get confused is the parent who is rejecting you usually follows that by saying, “I’m only telling you this because I love you. I love you so I’m the only one who’s going to tell you the truth.”

You don’t want to think that your parents don’t love you. Even the mean ones.  So. you try to hustle and scramble to make sense of why they’re treating you that way. Usually, it’s not because they’re messed up. As a kid, you think, well, I must be broken or wrong, and if I’m better, then they’ll love me more. So you start to think, yeah, they do love me, and they’re critical of me. They do love me, and they are rejecting me. Well, I guess love hurts.

But the truth is rejection hurts and love heals.  When you are rejected and when you are criticized, the only way out of that, isn’t to continue to reject yourself and subject yourself to criticism and rejection. It is to love yourself enough to stop that inner critic or the outer critic, and love it into submission.

Let’s go to another way we get confused about love as we dive a little bit deeper into this concept.

Another way that we confuse love for pain is when we experience abandonment. This could take many forms, but I’ll tell you how it gets confused most often is when a parent is abandoning, they leave, they go MIA.  They’re here one day, gone the next.  They’re available to you and then unavailable to you. They say to you as a reason of why this happened, “well it’s because I loved you that I went away.  I wanted to protect you.
You weren’t strong enough to stay away from me, so I had to stay away from you because I was messed up  I needed to leave you.”

Now this kind of rings true, right? We might say, “I can see how that was the kindest thing they could do was leave me.” However, it’s still abandonment. And the confusion comes in when we believe they left me because they love me. They go away because they love me. No.  People go away because they’re abandoners.  It has nothing to do with love. Love heals abandonment.  Love is not abandonment.

The only thing that heals that wound is consistent love.  We really must stop abandoning ourselves. We have to stick around for ourselves, but we abandon ourselves all the time. We start, but we don’t finish. We betray our inner wisdom and ignore red flags. We stay in relationships longer than we should. We stay with people who love us one minute and hate us the next, who are here one minute and gone the next, because then we believe, “well, love is like that.” Love is not like that.  Love heals that.

Another way we get confused about love is when we experience neglect.

An example of this is growing up in a household with one sick sibling or troubled sibling. The parent puts all their love and attention into that person. Or the parent is sick themselves. So all their attention and time goes to healing their own wounds and working on themselves. That’s a wonderful thing.  They’re healing, but they do it at the expense of the kid. The logic that they tell the kid is, “well, you know, you didn’t need me so much. You’re so strong. You’re so amazing. I knew you always had it. All the attention went to your sibling because you’ve got it like that. You just didn’t need me. You know, I love you, but you’re so strong. You were fine.”

So, the message gets taught, “They weren’t there for me because they loved me and believed in me.” We get confused and we get into relationships where we don’t know how to ask for our own needs because we learned love is meeting the needs of everybody else except yourself, and we get confused. Then we come to believe love is self-sacrifice. It’s not.  Love heals neglect.

We also believe love is pain is when we suffer betrayal.

We can believe love is love hurts because betrayal hurts. You might have grown up in a family where you were expected to keep secrets.  You were taught and told, we keep secrets in the house because we love each other, and that’s what we do. Some of you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict, but you’re not telling anybody because “we keep secrets, and love is keeping secrets.” But you can’t love somebody and kill them at the same time and that’s what keeping secrets does. Maybe as a child, you heard the story of, “I cheated on your father because I was so passionate about this romance and love wants what it wants, and I couldn’t help it”. So you learned love is cheating.

The last way we confuse love and pain is when we believe that love includes being violated. 

Usually this comes in the form of boundaries.

You’re a kid. You need your space. You’re in your room and you just need time to be angry and vent.  The parent comes in and bulldozes in the room and doesn’t give you any space and you’re not allowed to have any boundaries. Your boundaries are constantly violated. Your physical space is violated. Your emotional space is violated. Your psychological space is violated.  You have no space for yourself. And the parent says, “It’s because I love you that I force my way. I love you enough to fight you. And I love you enough to ignore what you’re asking because I know better.” You are confused because you start to believe, “Well, I guess if you really love me, you do cross my boundaries.” And then you become an adult and you start to look for relationships where people cross your boundaries, and you think that’s love. You rationalize, “he doesn’t really love me if he’s not beating down your door.

These are the sick games we start to play in relationships when we believe lies about love.

And the most insidious lie we believe is that love hurts.

How do we undo it? We’ve talked about where it came from. We’ve talked about what it is. And now we want to talk about how to move forward. You’ve done step one, which is looking at yourself and seeing where this lie lives in you, and then step two is to get to work. It’s time to put that awareness in motion. It’s let me come alongside of you so that I can help you unpack this and install a new truth inside of you.

We must be willing to look at how this lie shows up in your life. And then from that space, we move to systematically remove this lie person by person, behavior by behavior, piece by piece, and still install new truth.
I look forward to helping you on that journey. I would love to come alongside of you on your healing journey. You deserve love.  Love is what life is about. You can have everything else, but at the end of the day, if you have a relationship that’s not functioning, it’s full of betrayal, rejection, abandonment and neglect, you will ask yourself what’s the point?

The point is love. And the point is for you to experience that radical love, that all-encompassing safe space, where you can be yourself.  You deserve a relationship where you can be all of you, and be loved and accepted and seen, and understood and valued. You deserve to be cherished and treasured for all that you are and all that you aren’t too.

When you’re ready to go deeper, go to and we can schedule a complimentary consultation and learn about all the ways that I can support you on your healing journey. I look forward to that and as always, of course, take excellent care of you.

Hidden Relationships Toxic Patterns

Hidden Relationships Toxic Patterns

Hidden Relationships and Toxic Patterns

You may be familiar with the regular old run of the mill relationship toxins. These include: cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting, etc.

But underneath of the obvious toxins are the less known toxins. And while they may be unfamiliar, they are just as deadly to relationships.

The first toxin that I want to discuss is toxic compassion.

Now, why is this an issue? Well, compassion by itself is not a problem, right? We can agree we are good people. You may be an empath. You have the ability to see into people’s problems and see what they need. And that’s what I love about you and probably what you love about yourself too until it turns on you and you feel totally taken advantage of like you’re being used.

And, even when you give and give and give and they end up rejecting you and you think, “Wait a minute. I put up with all your stuff and you’re going to break up with me?” You know how these things go. Toxic compassion is when you are so good at making sense of other people’s bad behavior that you continue to tolerate it. You have a black belt in making sense of nonsense.  And because you’re able to see why they’re acting the way they’re acting, you tolerate it and you stay longer than you should.

Toxic compassion makes you a ride or die, even though in the car, it’s not safe in there. It’s not a joy ride, but you’re in that car and you’re in it to win it. Toxic compassion will keep you stuck in a dysfunctional relationship and keep you unhappy.

Now, compassion obviously is a wonderful thing. You’re such a good person, but again, it gets blurry. You make excuses for their bad behavior because of their past traumas. What you’re doing is you’re using their history to justify and support their continued bad behavior.

Lots of people have trauma. And lots of people heal from trauma, making a vow not to bleed on those who didn’t cut them in the first place.

Lots of people have traumatic childhoods. Lots of people have bad stuff that has happened to them.  Lots of people heal and recover and take responsibility and lots of people remain the victim.

If you find yourself having toxic compassion and you keep giving second chances over and over again, you believe the lies that they’re going to change.  You keep on hanging on when you’re hanging on for dear life and you’re afraid to let go because you don’t know if there’s a safety net below you.

That’s the kind of toxic compassion that I’m talking about. Its believing, “well, what if I just hang in there long enough…..” Honey, if they haven’t done it by now. Odds are they aren’t going to do it. I hate to break that news, but that’s the reality of it. People don’t change for other people, right? People change for themselves. So again, toxic compassion is being so astute and making sense of other people’s bad behavior. Rationalizing it, justifying it and articulating and understanding it that you continue to accept it, tolerate it and settle for it.

The next hidden toxin in relationships is toxic gratitude.

And I see this most in people who have grown up in abusive scenarios or situations.  People that still have self-esteem issues where they’ve been taught and told, “You should be grateful. You have it better than I did.” Never mind that their better isn’t close to good enough.

How does Toxic Gratitude sound?

“Well, I’m just grateful they only drank three beers tonight instead of a whole twelve-pack.”

“I’m just grateful that they don’t yell and scream at me when they’re under the influence or hit me and all they do is ignore me.”

“I’m just grateful I have somebody. Lots of people are all alone.”

When you have toxic gratitude, you’re grateful for things that are basic human rights. Instead of reaching for more and knowing what you truly deserve, you’re settling.

Now that’s not your fault. Likely you grew up in a dynamic where you had to settle like that. It was as good as it was going to get and you got told that.

Let’s be real. For many of us, what we had wasn’t good.

But we got gaslit out of believing that by the very people hurting us. Parents said, “You have it better than I did.”

And comparison sets in and you’re like, “yeah, well it could be worse”.

Yeah, and it could be better too. It could be so much worse.  It could be so much better. We forget about the other side of that. Toxic gratitude will keep you stuck and settling in a situation when you don’t know your true value.  You don’t know what you’re really worth and you certainly are forgetting what’s possible for you.

Settling happens like boiling a frog.  The frog doesn’t realize its dying because the water just keeps getting turned up little by little, by little. And it stays in the pot until it dies.

That’s us. We kill ourselves slowly by staying too long where we never belonged.

Let’s move to another hidden toxin in relationships: Toxic responsibility.

Now responsibility in and of itself is not a bad thing. You’re a super responsible person. There are also super irresponsible people. Maybe you tend to vacillate between the two, super responsible and super irresponsible. That’s one way toxic responsibility can show up.
You vacillate between doing it all and doing none of it.
Maybe in your family dynamic, you grew up and you were nine going on forty and you had to take care of everybody in your family.  Now you find that in your relationships, you bear that same imbalance where you’re the one doing everything.  You’re overly responsible. That is toxic responsibility.

You feel like you’re responsible for everybody’s success and everybody’s failure. You feel like you’re responsible for everybody’s feelings and work overtime to mitigate those feelings.

The truth is, people feel how they feel and that’s on them. But somebody with toxic responsibility is always walking around thinking it’s my fault.

As you can see, any one of these toxins can be enough to poison any relationship. Which ones did you resonate with the most?

How do these patterns of toxicity hold you back from having the love, happiness, and mutually beneficial relationships you deserve?

The cure for all these codependent behaviors is codependency recovery. When we work together in a program, retreat or strategic coaching session, we figure out where the toxins are. We do a proper diagnosis, removing those toxins so that you will be the healthiest version of you. We restore you to health so that you can be the complete, happy, authentic version of yourself.

And these patterns I just want to reiterate are not your fault, it’s your programming. I’m not talking about pathology here. You’re not sick. It’s a pattern that you’re running that we can undo.

The last toxin is toxic positivity.

The personal development culture has created the idea that   everybody has the same psychological, emotional, and physical potential. It teaches, everybody can “step up”. The problem with this is that it’s just not reality.

The Truth is not everybody is made the same way. People have limitations and that is real.  They are not able to step up and the kindest thing you can do for that person, instead of holding them hostage to some unrealistic expectation is to hold the door open and let them go.

At the end of the day, holding someone to an unrealistic standard is unfair for everybody. It’s like looking at a man in a wheelchair with no legs and expecting him to walk. Now, a lot of people are going to argue with me and say, “well, he could walk if he…..”

Now, if you are doing that in your own mind and you’re thinking to yourself, “well, Heidi, a guy could walk if he got prosthetics and if he trained.” You probably have this trait. If you’re sitting there right now being positive about how this man could walk, instead of just letting him be who he is and accept him as he is, you may have this trait.

Why is this an issue? Because a person with toxic positivity believes it’s their job and responsibility to make the whole world step up. When in reality, some people want to sit down.

And that’s okay! There are enough of us to step up while other people sit down. That’s what makes balance in the universe.

If you can identify with one or more of these toxins, and you’re ready to break free, reach out to schedule a consultation with the handy dandy button on this page.

With love,
Heidi Rain


Fixers and Victims

Fixers and Victims

Fixers and Victims.

What type of relationship is this? How does it happen and what does the relationship look like?  

The fixer is the hero.

Likely they grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic where they had to grow up extremely fast:  think nine year old going on 40 years old. They are the ones that gave the family all of their self-worth because they excelled and succeeded in spite of all the dysfunction going on in the household. 

They’re the one that would come to the rescue, make sure all the other siblings were okay, and take care of business. Often, this person was the mediator or the peacekeeper in their family. Not one to run from conflict or be afraid to break eggs, they would call out the issues and offer solutions to the family to “FIX” the problems. 

This behavior may have worked as a child, but as an adult, it becomes increasingly apparent that the Fixer has no control. 

Fixers can feel isolated and lonely. They have unbalanced relationships where they are the one’ who is there for everyone else, but often feel as though no one is there for them. This can also be because a fixer rarely asks for help. 

By the time the fixer personality comes to me, honestly, they’ve tried just about everything and they really are at their wits end.

You take on a lot of responsibility as a fixer. Fixers feel overly responsible for others and rarely have time to look at their own lives because they’re so busy pouring all of their energy and expertise into everybody else. 

And when it comes to self awareness, they really have a blind spot. They are able to see what everybody else’s problem is, but they’re usually unable to see their own part in it. And that’s why it takes me coming alongside of a fixer to point it out so they can get the best results.

Now let’s look at the victim.

They blame everybody else or every other circumstance for their problems. 

The issue of the victim is they know that they have a problem and they still refuse to use the tools that are available to them to get help. They’re stuck in their pain. 

Now, a victim often will fantasize about being rescued. They long for that right person to come along and fix them. And so you can see the setup here. It’s a match made in hell, where a victim longs to be rescued and the fixer says, “Oh, I’m the one that can do it”. So often we see this in addicted or alcoholic relationships.  

A fixer will lay eyes on somebody and see their fullest potential. That’s A fixer’s  super power. They can see the full potential in everybody and so the victim feels hopeful. 

Often a victim feels misunderstood. They feel like nobody really gets them. Although they fantasize about the right person really being able to help them, they’re also pessimistic about it. 

So remember they are not really hopeful to see it through. They just fantasize that one day things will be different without actually taking the action. 

When these two Attachment personality Patterns attract each other, they are a very good match, seemingly.  The fixer feels fulfilled and the victim feels hopeful.

Fixers need to be needed in order to feel loved and there is nobody needier than somebody in peril, somebody who is alcoholic and dysfunctional. 

When the Fixer runs to the rescue, they get a self-esteem boost. 

They get a lot of value and the victim feels seen and understood and there is hope in the beginning of the relationship. 

But eventually, a Fixer needs results. Fixers grow weary of Victims not taking their advice. 

Eventually a fixer will get resentful and a Victim will feel controlled. 

Then, the Fixer may try even harder and on and on the cycle of dysfunction goes.

So, what’s the solution?

In codependency Recovery, you learn what you can control and what to let go of. You discern if the relationship you’re in is the right relationship for you and you learn how to cultivate boundaries and healthy relationship habits. 

If you’re interested in taking the next step, please schedule a complimentary consultation with our handy dandy scheduling button.

To your relationship success!


Codependent Relationships

Codependent Relationships

Codependent Relationship Clinger and Withholder

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I’m mot codependency, but my partner is.”

Codependent is “co”, and we are usually two sides of the same coin, on opposite ends of the spectrum and that is how we attract each other.  Because like does attract like, but it’s seemingly opposite. Let me explain what I mean.

Two codependency types that hook up all the time and are a match made in hell, is a Withholder and a Clinger. I’m going to get into these two patterns today and talk about how it shows up and why they hook up and how it happens and how the insanity looks, so that you can have awareness, because insight is the very first step. What we want to do is put that awareness in motion and help you make some massive changes in your life so that you can have the love and relationships that you really, truly deserve. Drama free relationships, right? Where you can be yourself and be loved for exactly who you are and you don’t want to change anything or change anybody else.

Consistency, you’re not confused all the time or full of resentment or overwhelm or pain or anything else that’s stemming from these codependent patterns. As I said, I’m going to talk about the Withholder and the Clinger today. Now I’ve come up with eight different Attachment Personality Patterns. I’ve invented this name: Attachment Personality Patterns and I’ve done it as a result of the almost decade worth of research I did working inside of a dual diagnosis treatment center where people were healing from all types of addiction and codependence. And so I kept seeing these patterns emerge and kind of ran with it. 

You can download a copy of my free book, “Attachment Personality Patterns”, Learn More About Codependency Here!


So, let’s get into these two patterns. Withholders are people that are very misunderstood.  Because Withholders are very sensitive people, but they learned a long time ago that vulnerability is weakness. So, a Withholder keeps their emotions to themselves. They have a very tough time expressing how they’re feeling, or sometimes they’re so good at not knowing or suppressing their emotions that they don’t know how they feel. When you ask a Withholder how they feel, they’ll say, “I think I feel”.  It’s very hard to get them to crack their heart open. They long for intimacy, yet a deeply afraid of it at the same time.

A Withholder longs for intimacy. It’s just that they’re afraid at the core that they’re going to be rejected. They bring people in, but then they kind of keep them at an arms distance. It’s like, come here, but not too close. And so, if you’re in a relationship with a Withholder and you start to get close to them, they will do what I call Distancing Techniques, which is they will invite an argument with you to restore the distance. Their worst fear is getting too close to you, allowing themselves to love you too much, and then being rejected by you.

Withholders want others to love them more than they love others. So, they restrict their emotions, restrict their feelings. They can be very sexually active and intimate that way, but they’ll settle for sex when what they really want is deep intimacy and love. But again, they’re not vulnerable enough to share what they’re thinking or feeling and so that real true intimacy very rarely gets created.

Now, a Clinger Attachment Personality Pattern on the other hand is on the same spectrum with the Withholder. The Clinger is an over-sharer. They go into a relationship and divulge absolutely everything. They fantasize and romanticize and put the person that they’re interested in up on a pedestal.

They are super trusting, where a Withholder trusts no one. The only person a Withholder believes they can trust is themselves. A clinger trusts before trust is deserved.

Another trait of the clinger is they don’t recognize the emotional unavailability of the people they’re attracted to. They don’t recognize that because they project a fantasy onto that person. They really blow up all their good traits and minimize the red flags or deny the red flags because they want love and relationship more than they want to see the reality of that person.

The core fear is abandonment. A Withholder fears rejection, a Clinger fears abandonment.

And so, when they first get together, it is awesome for these two people. It’s a match made in Heaven at first, because a withholder feels relief! “Oh my God, I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to do anything! I don’t have to show my emotions and feelings because this person is doing all the heavy lifting! I mean they are sharing everything all the time. They’re telling me how they feel. They’re sharing their whole life story. So, this is really great.”

And a Clinger is like, “Well, this is really great, because I can just be myself in this relationship and I feel really connected now! They’re letting me do all the talking and they’re so curious about me and my life story! They listen to me and let me go on and on! I feel so heard and loved.”

But the Clinger doesn’t feel connected because the Withholder is really connected to them, they feel connected because they’re doing all the connecting, so they don’t see the red flags.

Now initially, a Withholder won’t go in rejecting this other person, pushing them away right away, because again, a Withholder longs to be close. They get drunk on all the neurotransmitters or wellbeing flooding the brain. That’s why love is blind because we’re all love drunk as hell.

But when the neurotransmitters start to wear off, what happens?

A withholder will start to feel smothered. They’ll feel like the Clinger is too much. They’ll feel as though they can’t breathe, and they need space. can’t breathe. And they’ll start to do things to push that person away, engaging the Distancing Techniques.

But this will trigger the Clinger into more desire for closeness. They’ll try to corner the Withholder, demanding answers. “Tell me how you feel about me. Why are you confused? What are we doing here? Don’t you want me?”

Relationship confusion for a clinger makes them so anxious that they just want to resolve it, so they go harder. Clingers need constant reassurance and approval. And a Withholder will withhold approval, praise, and affection to create distance.

At this point, a Withholder might do something drastic to sabotage the relationship. They may go MIA, ghosting the Clinger. They may even begin another relationship, keeping their options open.

Here’s where things go even worse.

Eventually, a healthier Clinger will let the abandonment settle in and pull back themselves to avoid more hurt. But suddenly, once the Withholder sees this, they will become the Clinger. And then the two Patterns have switched roles.

And the Withholder becomes the Clinger, and the Clinger now becomes the Withholder.

These two Patterns can do this dance of “I hate you, don’t leave. Come here, go away” for decades.

Now maybe at this point, you are thinking, “Oh my God.  This woman has literally described my relationship.” Yes. I’ve dedicated my whole life to co-dependence and understanding these patterns and how I can help you can break free.

Awareness is the first step, but what’s the second step?

It’s putting that Awareness In Motion.  We AIM for relationship success.

When we work together, you find out if your relationship can work. You will finally answer the questions, “Can this be fixed or saved? Should I stay or should I go?” Once and for all and get off the fence.

Clingers finally stop feeling abandoned when you put your heart and soul into another, and they leave you.

And Withholders stop feeling so misunderstood and learn how to receive and let intimacy in.

And that’s what I want for you, codependency recovery.

The very next step is to schedule a complimentary consultation to learn more about Codependency and Toxic Relationships with our handy dandy button at the top of this page.

I’m looking forward to meeting!
And as always, if you found this helpful, will you share it and pass it along to someone else you know can benefit?

Thank you! I appreciate you!
Heidi Rain