The Power of Detachment

The Power of Detachment

*This is a video transcription, please pardon any miscellaneous annoying stuff that should have been edited out but we don’t have that kind of time around here.*

I was driving my daughter to school this morning and she asked me to put the top down on the convertible. I was like, heck yeah! Let’s put the top down. It was a beautiful morning here in Florida so I put the top down and we’re driving to school.  She’s playing her favorite songs and we’re rocking out. I dropped her off and I was driving down the highway and I started speeding up. I was going kind of fast down the highway and the wind was in my hair. I was listening to this song about being unstoppable and having all this power from within. I’m going to tell you at that moment, I felt free. I was like, yes.  I’m driving down, the wind’s whipping. I just thought, man, this is my life now. This is my life.

I’m driving down the highway, and not the car. Okay. Not all that stuff. But the internal feeling of completely being in my power, in that car with the wind whipping my hair and feeling that total sense of freedom. I’m talking financial freedom, emotional freedom, psychological freedom, spiritual freedom, the freedom to be me down that highway. I thought, oh my God. I have come freaking far. A very far way. It’s a far cry from the person that I used to be, who had moments of feeling free in my life. Moments of having that type of power, but they were fleeting because it was always clouded by this intense inner critic that was constantly judging me. Telling me, well, you’re not really enough. You’re not really as good as you think you are, or who do you think you are? And so on and so forth.

So I would find that even though I was successful, there was this always self-sabotage loop running behind me where I’d be successful in one area in my life, but here my relationships would be terrible and they would suck. I would be in one-sided relationships where I would pour all my resources and energy into somebody else and they would take it from me. But then at the end of the day, I felt rejected or unseen. Not heard, not valued, not respected, not cherished, certainly not treasured, and all the things I wanted to feel. It would be so hurtful for me. I’d be in these relationships that were confusing for me. I didn’t know from one minute to the next, should I stay. Should I go?

That’s certainly not that feeling of freedom that I’m describing driving down the highway with the top down in the convertible and the wind whipping in my hair. Knowing that I’m happily married to my rock star husband. That I have this beautiful daughter that I’m taking to school who’s making me laugh the whole way. That I’ve created a business that I love. That I have a mission and a purpose that I get to live out in my heart every day. That I’m content. That I am finally financially secure that I don’t have to worry from one minute to the next. I mean, it wasn’t too long before where I’d be worried about running out of gas and driving in neutral downhills just so I could save the gas to be able to get up the hill. That was my life for a really long time.

I asked myself a question, what was the one thing that I mastered?

There are many things that I had to learn along the journey. But what’s the one thing that I mastered that really helped me the most in my life to get from a person who was insecure, constantly self-destructive, drinking and isolating and not happy in her relationships, struggling and stuck, to this person today who is fully in her power and completely free. How did I get there? Now, I’m going to share that with you today. What I’m going to talk about you might think is pretty simple. It is a very simple concept because I’m a simple girl. I do not like to make things complicated. I like to take complicated things and make them very easy. That’s a gift that I have.

So what I’m going to talk to you about is simple, but it’s not easy for us to do. That is the concept of detachment. So that’s the thing that we’re going to be talking about today. I’m super excited to dive into that with you. Before I do, I want to take a moment to say, thank you so much for all of your love and comments. They absolutely mean the world to me. When you participate in this community, your voice is heard. Other people are seeing your comments and what you have to say. We’re building a community of like-minded warriors who are on the healing path to wellness and wholeness. Those of us, who want to create relationships that we truly deserve, create lives that are full of happiness. Those of us that are asking ourselves the question not how bad does it have to be?

Or how bad can we stand it in our lives? Because you’ve been through a lot, and so have I. But the question becomes, how good can I let it get? As I’m driving my convertible down the highway, full tilt boogie, I’m thinking, man, I can even let it get better than this. I know I can. I want the same for you. So if you’re interested in that, let me tell you that this message is brought to you by Heidi Rain, me, and all of the programs that I have to offer you on your healing journey. If you’re interested in any of those programs or courses, you can go over to and check them out. We offer a wide variety of programs. Our Toxic Relationship Recover is one of our most powerful programs that we have. We also have a Family Addiction program where we walk you through. Get answers now. Know exactly what to do when you’re dealing with an addict or an alcoholic in your life.

We have that program as well. Plus retreats where you can be with me on a weekend where we come together and I pour into you. We spend lots of time together, one on one. Many ways that we can spend time together.  So I want to talk about this idea of detachment today. Again, very simple but complicated in order to really grab a hold of. So if you can grab a hold of this and really practice it as a spiritual practice in your life, right? The greatest gap in life, like many, have said. I heard it from John Maxwell and I think he heard it from somebody else.

The greatest gap in life is between knowing and doing. I often share information that people say, oh my God, yeah, that resonates. It makes the hair on your arm stand up. You think, yes, she’s talking to me. She’s singing my song. I know so many of you say that to me on a regular basis. Heidi, you know me. You see me. And I do. So that knowing is really important. Helping you know yourself is really important, but don’t miss that next step. It’s doing. It’s putting that awareness into motion. A lot of the principles and concepts that I teach are very simple, but they are a daily walk. They are things that you need to come home to over and over and over again. It’s not something you’re going to do once.

This concept of detachment is something that you need to do on a daily pretty much until it becomes just a part of who you are. And that’s the magic. That’s the magic moment. When you embody this principle that I’m going to talk to you about today, everything in your life changes. And really it can get a little boring sometimes because it becomes so conflict-free that you’re like, oh my God, how do I make my life exciting? Well, you make your life exciting by driving down the road in your convertible and pursuing your goals and dreams, right? Making your life as good as you can get it. So the first thing that you want to learn how to detach from is an obvious thing, and this is one that you’re probably really familiar with and you’re thinking, yeah, how do I do it?

That is to detach from who other people think you’re supposed to be. Now, this again is a no-brainer, right? From my perspective. There are tons of videos, tons of information on Google, how do you care less what other people think of you? But this concept, if you can get a hold of this in yourself and really internalize it, becomes your decision on the inside of who am I.  If you do not know who you are, you will let everybody else in your life dictate who they think you’re supposed to be. You’ll get really hung up and you’ll have a committee around you and you’ll constantly need other people to cosign whatever decisions you’re making in your life, whatever steps you’re taking. You’ll look for affirmation and confirmation from everybody else in your life instead of having an internal gut, knowing that you are on the right path for yourself.

How does that happen? How do you get swayed into looking around for approval from everybody else? When you’re living for likes, instead of for yourself. When you’re looking to others to dictate who they think you are, who you should be versus knowing who you really are on the inside. Well, when you’re born, you kind of are who you are, right? You have this intrinsic, kind of like an acorn is always an Oak tree. An Acorn is born an Oak tree, it just doesn’t know it yet. A tadpole is born a frog, it just doesn’t know it yet. So you have everything you need within you to become your destiny of who you’re meant to be in the world. But it gets fucked up.

And how does it do that? Well, most of us get fucked up because we were born into a dysfunctional family, a F-up family where they weren’t as kind or loving or supportive or encouraging. You learned early on that who you were wasn’t good enough so you decided to become somebody else. Codependency is another way to say that. I am who you say I am, or I am whoever I need to be in order to be okay and function in this dysfunction. That’s what that is. So you put on a mask and you become who other people have told you to be. Many of us don’t even know we’re doing this. We just think that’s who we really are. But how do you know that you’re not your authentic true self and you are who other people say you are is because it doesn’t feel right?

It’s not aligned on the inside. You feel like an imposter. In fact, you have imposter syndrome. You’re waiting to be found out. I’m not who you think I am, that’s the feeling that you have. Also feelings of frustration, feelings of overwhelm, feelings of rage, feelings of resentment. These are all indicators that you’re being who you need to be instead of who you really are. So how do you do that? How do you stop and detach from who other people think you’re supposed to be? Well, step number one is to find out who you’ve been. If you’re going to find out who you are, you have to first figure out who the hell you’re not. You have to take a look at who you’ve become in order to survive this dysfunctional place. I actually have eight different personality patterns. I call them Attachment Personality Patterns. Because when we’re born into that family of dysfunction, we’ve surveyed the land and we go, who do I need to be in order to be okay?

And we take on a personality. Some of us have become people pleasers in our lives. That’s a very familiar one for many people where we get the picture in order for me to be liked and loved, I need to put your needs ahead of mind. I need to make sure that you’re okay. I’m going to go with the flow at the sacrifice of myself. And you know you’re not yourself because deep down you have your own ideas. You have your own opinions and thoughts about things, but you don’t share them when it’s going to ruffle too many feathers. So you feel like you’re constantly biting your lip and sitting on your truth. Others of us have become fixers in our lives. We find projects instead of people. We have caseloads instead of friendships because we learned early on that in order to be loved and accepted, we needed to be of value and service to people.

That’s the only way to endear yourself, is to find somebody who’s broken and try to put them back together again. Now you’re in these broken relationships and you think, well, what the fuck. I mean, I’m not happy. They’re not even taking my advice. So you’re not being your true self, which is to put that energy towards you and look at yourself and take yourself to the next level. So many, many ways that we take on these personalities and become somebody we’re not. So the first thing is discovering which pattern you’ve taken on, which pattern you’ve attached to. You can download my free book over at and identify your pattern. That’s a very good first step. And then the detachment comes in when you start to take off the masks. It’s not like you need to find or become your true self. You already are it. Like an acorn is already an oak tree. You need to dig her up. You need to excavate and take off, like when you find a fossil in the cave and we dig around it. We don’t have to create the fossil. We just have to excavate it. We have to dig it up. That’s the same with you. You’re under there. We just have to dig you up. The second thing that you need to detach from, and this is probably more or of equal importance to detaching from what other people think. That’s where we get stuck. We just usually stop there. If I just don’t give a shit what other people think my life is going to be so much better. Okay, that’s true. I know for me when I quieted that inner critic and I stopped caring so much because I was told my whole life, by the way, that I was way too much. I was too opinionated.

One of the things I got most often was I’m too strong. Now, how the hell are you too strong? Imagine somebody telling Wonder Woman, you know, you could tone it down a bit. I mean, that’s her superpower. My strength is my superpower. Many of my clients and students come to me because of that very reason. They want to borrow some of my strength until they can find and muster their own. So that’s not a problem that I’m strong, but I was told it was. So I learned how to kind of soften my power and pretend to be not as powerful and dim my light in order to not offend other people with my shine. I felt so stifled and muffled from doing that, that something had to give. I was told I had too many ideas. I had too many opinions. Who did I think I was? All these kinds of verbal abuse that was thrown into my mind stuck with me and I internalized and became my own inner critic.

That’s another version of being who people tell you, you are, instead of who you really are inside. I am opinionated. I have lots of thoughts. I have lots of ideas and guess what? I get paid a lot of money to give those thoughts and ideas because they’re fucking good ideas. That’s not being conceited. That’s having ownership of my giftedness. There’s a big difference between being confident and godfident. Being cocky is like, oh, I’m God’s gift, and being grateful is God’s gifted me. I really truly believe that I have that gift of discernment. Being able to help people with seeing the truth and my strength and my resolve is what helps me along on that journey. And so you have the same. You have gifts and talents in your heart and things that you want to shine more and highlight, but you’ve been told that that’s not attractive, or that’s not what people want or desire.

You’re trying to find a way to walk on eggshells so that you don’t break any eggs so that everybody stays okay.

That’s not okay. It’s certainly not okay for you. The other thing that we need to detach from that gets lost, and most people miss this, so don’t miss it because this is really one of the most life-changing concepts that you can get. That is that you’ve got to detach from who you think other people are supposed to be. This is a tough one because we want people to be who we want them to be. See how that’s such a contradiction. I don’t want other people to tell me who I’m supposed to be, but I damn sure want to tell other people how they’re supposed to be. So it just doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t want other people to tell you who you’re supposed to be, and you want to be left alone to be who you are, you’ve got to leave other people alone and let them be who they are too.

But we don’t do that. We get into relationships with people who are toxic and dysfunctional and try to fix them. We get into relationships with people who are not who we want them to be, and we spend all of our energy, time, and resources in trying to fix those people. That’s not detachment. Detachment is I’m going to let you be who you are instead of who I need you to be for me. I’m going to be who I need to be for me, and let you be who you are. That concept is extremely difficult for people like you who know what people need, know how people should be, know what their full potential is, and just want to help them get there. It’s not malicious what you’re doing. It’s benevolent. You want to help people reach their fullest potential.

But how do you know if that’s an acorn or not? How do you know? Like there are locusts and honeybees and you think everybody’s a honeybee. Everybody’s productive. Everybody contributes to the world, but some people are born locusts and their job is just to destroy shit. Okay. We are not God. We’re not the universe. Well, we kind of are with God. But basically, how do you know what somebody’s destiny is? When you interfere and try to make them and turn them into a honeybee when they’re a locust, where does that leave you? Full of frustration, full of anger, full of rage, full of resentment, and full of confusion. I know they’re a honeybee, but it’s like trying to get a dog to meow. Dogs don’t Meow. People are who they are.

So if we can master that concept, that people are who they are, and we’ve got to let them be who they are and decide if we want to be with them as they are, then our life changes. If you looked at the people in your life and said if this person never changes, if this person is always arrogant and mean, and selfish and rude, and I have no control over that. I can’t fix that. I can’t change that. Do I want to deal inside their stuff? Do I want to be a part of that crazy train? Am I up for that ride? If the answer is no, then that’s your answer. But if your answer is why be with them if they… You got to detach. So these are all the things I teach inside of my programs and courses that are a lot easier said than done.

The greatest gap in life is between knowing and doing.

We know that, right? So I help people know this, but then implement it in their lives. In real-time, coming to me inside of our groups, inside of our programs, and being able to share with me exactly how they’re struggling to implement this, what they are attaching to. Like the Buddha has said, the root of all suffering is attachment. What that means isn’t I can’t have any relationships, I can’t attach. It’s you have to understand what you’re attaching to and what you need to detach from. That eyes wide open approach will set you free because then you’re empowered to make educated decisions. My logo is a graduation cap on a heart. That’s exactly what I aim to do – to marry this logic, this intellect, and this emotion, so that we can think with both and not let one override the other.

Many of you are having one go this way, and one goes this way and you don’t know how to align them and make it all one function. When you do that, that’s when we’re thinking clearly. That’s when we’re able to have the relationships that we truly desire. My aim is to help you get there. I want to move heaven and earth to help you be able to have the relationships that you want and be able to detach and be able to have the life that reflects that convertible down the highway. I want you to have that feeling all the time. Whether you’re in a car or not. Whether you have that or you don’t. That feeling of freedom, that feeling of just being fucking free. That’s what I want for you. Psychological, emotional, financial, and spiritual freedom, but it starts with understanding how you’re tethered.

You can’t be free if you don’t know how you’re tied down. You can’t be full of power if you don’t know where your power sucks are, your power leaks are. I help you identify all of that. I hope you found this helpful. I’m going to trust you did. If you can confirm that with a comment, that would be fantastic. All right? I love you so much.  As always take excellent care of yourself.

Fixers and Victims

Fixers and Victims

Fixers and Victims.

What type of relationship is this? How does it happen and what does the relationship look like?  

The fixer is the hero.

Likely they grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic where they had to grow up extremely fast:  think nine year old going on 40 years old. They are the ones that gave the family all of their self-worth because they excelled and succeeded in spite of all the dysfunction going on in the household. 

They’re the one that would come to the rescue, make sure all the other siblings were okay, and take care of business. Often, this person was the mediator or the peacekeeper in their family. Not one to run from conflict or be afraid to break eggs, they would call out the issues and offer solutions to the family to “FIX” the problems. 

This behavior may have worked as a child, but as an adult, it becomes increasingly apparent that the Fixer has no control. 

Fixers can feel isolated and lonely. They have unbalanced relationships where they are the one’ who is there for everyone else, but often feel as though no one is there for them. This can also be because a fixer rarely asks for help. 

By the time the fixer personality comes to me, honestly, they’ve tried just about everything and they really are at their wits end.

You take on a lot of responsibility as a fixer. Fixers feel overly responsible for others and rarely have time to look at their own lives because they’re so busy pouring all of their energy and expertise into everybody else. 

And when it comes to self awareness, they really have a blind spot. They are able to see what everybody else’s problem is, but they’re usually unable to see their own part in it. And that’s why it takes me coming alongside of a fixer to point it out so they can get the best results.

Now let’s look at the victim.

They blame everybody else or every other circumstance for their problems. 

The issue of the victim is they know that they have a problem and they still refuse to use the tools that are available to them to get help. They’re stuck in their pain. 

Now, a victim often will fantasize about being rescued. They long for that right person to come along and fix them. And so you can see the setup here. It’s a match made in hell, where a victim longs to be rescued and the fixer says, “Oh, I’m the one that can do it”. So often we see this in addicted or alcoholic relationships.  

A fixer will lay eyes on somebody and see their fullest potential. That’s A fixer’s  super power. They can see the full potential in everybody and so the victim feels hopeful. 

Often a victim feels misunderstood. They feel like nobody really gets them. Although they fantasize about the right person really being able to help them, they’re also pessimistic about it. 

So remember they are not really hopeful to see it through. They just fantasize that one day things will be different without actually taking the action. 

When these two Attachment personality Patterns attract each other, they are a very good match, seemingly.  The fixer feels fulfilled and the victim feels hopeful.

Fixers need to be needed in order to feel loved and there is nobody needier than somebody in peril, somebody who is alcoholic and dysfunctional. 

When the Fixer runs to the rescue, they get a self-esteem boost. 

They get a lot of value and the victim feels seen and understood and there is hope in the beginning of the relationship. 

But eventually, a Fixer needs results. Fixers grow weary of Victims not taking their advice. 

Eventually a fixer will get resentful and a Victim will feel controlled. 

Then, the Fixer may try even harder and on and on the cycle of dysfunction goes.

So, what’s the solution?

In codependency Recovery, you learn what you can control and what to let go of. You discern if the relationship you’re in is the right relationship for you and you learn how to cultivate boundaries and healthy relationship habits. 

If you’re interested in taking the next step, please schedule a complimentary consultation with our handy dandy scheduling button.

To your relationship success!


Codependent Relationships

Codependent Relationships

Codependent Relationship Clinger and Withholder

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I’m mot codependency, but my partner is.”

Codependent is “co”, and we are usually two sides of the same coin, on opposite ends of the spectrum and that is how we attract each other.  Because like does attract like, but it’s seemingly opposite. Let me explain what I mean.

Two codependency types that hook up all the time and are a match made in hell, is a Withholder and a Clinger. I’m going to get into these two patterns today and talk about how it shows up and why they hook up and how it happens and how the insanity looks, so that you can have awareness, because insight is the very first step. What we want to do is put that awareness in motion and help you make some massive changes in your life so that you can have the love and relationships that you really, truly deserve. Drama free relationships, right? Where you can be yourself and be loved for exactly who you are and you don’t want to change anything or change anybody else.

Consistency, you’re not confused all the time or full of resentment or overwhelm or pain or anything else that’s stemming from these codependent patterns. As I said, I’m going to talk about the Withholder and the Clinger today. Now I’ve come up with eight different Attachment Personality Patterns. I’ve invented this name: Attachment Personality Patterns and I’ve done it as a result of the almost decade worth of research I did working inside of a dual diagnosis treatment center where people were healing from all types of addiction and codependence. And so I kept seeing these patterns emerge and kind of ran with it. 

You can download a copy of my free book, “Attachment Personality Patterns”, Learn More About Codependency Here!


So, let’s get into these two patterns. Withholders are people that are very misunderstood.  Because Withholders are very sensitive people, but they learned a long time ago that vulnerability is weakness. So, a Withholder keeps their emotions to themselves. They have a very tough time expressing how they’re feeling, or sometimes they’re so good at not knowing or suppressing their emotions that they don’t know how they feel. When you ask a Withholder how they feel, they’ll say, “I think I feel”.  It’s very hard to get them to crack their heart open. They long for intimacy, yet a deeply afraid of it at the same time.

A Withholder longs for intimacy. It’s just that they’re afraid at the core that they’re going to be rejected. They bring people in, but then they kind of keep them at an arms distance. It’s like, come here, but not too close. And so, if you’re in a relationship with a Withholder and you start to get close to them, they will do what I call Distancing Techniques, which is they will invite an argument with you to restore the distance. Their worst fear is getting too close to you, allowing themselves to love you too much, and then being rejected by you.

Withholders want others to love them more than they love others. So, they restrict their emotions, restrict their feelings. They can be very sexually active and intimate that way, but they’ll settle for sex when what they really want is deep intimacy and love. But again, they’re not vulnerable enough to share what they’re thinking or feeling and so that real true intimacy very rarely gets created.

Now, a Clinger Attachment Personality Pattern on the other hand is on the same spectrum with the Withholder. The Clinger is an over-sharer. They go into a relationship and divulge absolutely everything. They fantasize and romanticize and put the person that they’re interested in up on a pedestal.

They are super trusting, where a Withholder trusts no one. The only person a Withholder believes they can trust is themselves. A clinger trusts before trust is deserved.

Another trait of the clinger is they don’t recognize the emotional unavailability of the people they’re attracted to. They don’t recognize that because they project a fantasy onto that person. They really blow up all their good traits and minimize the red flags or deny the red flags because they want love and relationship more than they want to see the reality of that person.

The core fear is abandonment. A Withholder fears rejection, a Clinger fears abandonment.

And so, when they first get together, it is awesome for these two people. It’s a match made in Heaven at first, because a withholder feels relief! “Oh my God, I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to do anything! I don’t have to show my emotions and feelings because this person is doing all the heavy lifting! I mean they are sharing everything all the time. They’re telling me how they feel. They’re sharing their whole life story. So, this is really great.”

And a Clinger is like, “Well, this is really great, because I can just be myself in this relationship and I feel really connected now! They’re letting me do all the talking and they’re so curious about me and my life story! They listen to me and let me go on and on! I feel so heard and loved.”

But the Clinger doesn’t feel connected because the Withholder is really connected to them, they feel connected because they’re doing all the connecting, so they don’t see the red flags.

Now initially, a Withholder won’t go in rejecting this other person, pushing them away right away, because again, a Withholder longs to be close. They get drunk on all the neurotransmitters or wellbeing flooding the brain. That’s why love is blind because we’re all love drunk as hell.

But when the neurotransmitters start to wear off, what happens?

A withholder will start to feel smothered. They’ll feel like the Clinger is too much. They’ll feel as though they can’t breathe, and they need space. can’t breathe. And they’ll start to do things to push that person away, engaging the Distancing Techniques.

But this will trigger the Clinger into more desire for closeness. They’ll try to corner the Withholder, demanding answers. “Tell me how you feel about me. Why are you confused? What are we doing here? Don’t you want me?”

Relationship confusion for a clinger makes them so anxious that they just want to resolve it, so they go harder. Clingers need constant reassurance and approval. And a Withholder will withhold approval, praise, and affection to create distance.

At this point, a Withholder might do something drastic to sabotage the relationship. They may go MIA, ghosting the Clinger. They may even begin another relationship, keeping their options open.

Here’s where things go even worse.

Eventually, a healthier Clinger will let the abandonment settle in and pull back themselves to avoid more hurt. But suddenly, once the Withholder sees this, they will become the Clinger. And then the two Patterns have switched roles.

And the Withholder becomes the Clinger, and the Clinger now becomes the Withholder.

These two Patterns can do this dance of “I hate you, don’t leave. Come here, go away” for decades.

Now maybe at this point, you are thinking, “Oh my God.  This woman has literally described my relationship.” Yes. I’ve dedicated my whole life to co-dependence and understanding these patterns and how I can help you can break free.

Awareness is the first step, but what’s the second step?

It’s putting that Awareness In Motion.  We AIM for relationship success.

When we work together, you find out if your relationship can work. You will finally answer the questions, “Can this be fixed or saved? Should I stay or should I go?” Once and for all and get off the fence.

Clingers finally stop feeling abandoned when you put your heart and soul into another, and they leave you.

And Withholders stop feeling so misunderstood and learn how to receive and let intimacy in.

And that’s what I want for you, codependency recovery.

The very next step is to schedule a complimentary consultation to learn more about Codependency and Toxic Relationships with our handy dandy button at the top of this page.

I’m looking forward to meeting!
And as always, if you found this helpful, will you share it and pass it along to someone else you know can benefit?

Thank you! I appreciate you!
Heidi Rain

Understanding Codependency

Understanding Codependency

What are the Core Issues of codependency? 

I get asked that question so much and it’s because codependency is still one of the most misunderstood things in the world of relationships. And so, my goal is to help you make sense.  To teach things in such an easy way that you can understand your unique codependency patterns, your partner’s patterns, or other relationships that you have. Why? So that you can have the relationships that you deserve.  Relationships that aren’t full of drama, resentment, confusion, where you are scratching your head wondering how to strategize or get this thing to work. That’s all codependency. 

I know that codependency and the issues that you are having are really leaving you full of resentment, confusion, anxiety, pain. And ultimately our work is about breaking you free. Psychological freedom so that you have control over your own thoughts, and your mind isn’t hijacked. Constantly obsessing or worrying. Emotional freedom, where you don’t feel like you are on a love roller coaster. Constantly up and down and all over the place. 

Let’s dive in. These are the six basic core issues that we have when we are codependent.

The first issue is the overarching issue that encompasses all of codependency and that’s the issue of “Identity.” 

Codependency is I don’t know who I am because who I am is not good enough. 

It’s not working for me to be me. So, I need to figure out who I need to be to function in this dysfunctional relationship. 

What we do is we take on a way of behaving. A way of being.  A personality if you will, so that we can connect, cope, survive, or thrive in this dynamic. 

We take on a personality and eventually we literally don’t know who the hell we are.  We scratch our heads, and we are like, I don’t know who I am. I’m a chameleon. And that’s true of codependence. You are a chameleon. You can fit in anywhere. And in fact, a lot of my students and clients, what we end up doing is when we get into a situation, a relationship, we survey the land.  We look around and we do a lot of observing about who people are and we get the lock on everybody. We understand and then we say, how can I fit in to this dynamic? Who do I need to be to be okay, be liked, be respected, be whatever in this dynamic? 

With codependency there’s an awful lot of strategizing that goes on. It’s like you can’t give yourself permission to just walk into the room and be who the hell you are. Because you don’t know how that’s going to be received.  And again, when you grow up in a dysfunctional dynamic, and codependency is a lifestyle from an early age. It’s a pattern you took on a long time ago. It really was a survival skill. That you needed to survey the land to figure out who you needed to be so that you didn’t get hurt. Or you could cope or survive or whatever it was you were trying to do. So, these patterns, it’s not a bad thing all the way.  Because at first, these patterns really kept you safe. They helped you. It’s a problem now because you want to be your true self. You want to figure out who the hell you really are. 

A lot of us are at a certain point of our life where we are freaking tired of being who we need to be for everybody else.  

We really do just want to have full permission to let ourselves be unleashed and be all of who we are. 

An identity crisis is the first thing we suffer from in a codependent relationship. Who am I? Now for you to figure out who you are, you need to figure out first, who you’ve been and who you are not. 

That’s by the process of elimination, right? Because you are not lost. You don’t need to find this version of you. You need to excavate her or him. You need to uncover by removing the masks. The masks that you’ve put on, are what I have named Attachment Personality Patterns. 

Of course, my signature group coaching program called LYFE School is all about unraveling that patterning so that you can really be your authentic true self. Because here is the deal, you can’t have true love if you are not your true self. 

You can’t feel fully seen, respected, loved, or adored if you are not yourself. Because they are not really loving you. And you feel that disconnect, don’t you? You know that you are not being loved for who you really are because you are not really being your authentic self. 

You are being who you need to be. So “Identity” is the first issue.  

The second issue, core codependency issue that we have and how it shows up is “Control Issues.” 

Now, codependency tends to be all or nothing, black or white. And we can vacillate on opposite ends of the spectrum. However, it’s the same issue. 

I’ve heard a lot of people say, “well I’m not codependent but my husband is.” “I’m not codependent but she definitely is codependent.” Well, what is “co?” What’s codependent? Are two people, right? Two people. So, we might not think we are codependent.  They are codependent not us, but the way the reality is, it takes two.

Control issues manifest one or two ways. You are in charge. It’s your way or the highway.  You want to tell people how to think, how to feel, how to behave. Now, here’s the thing, controllers aren’t malicious unless they’re pathological and then they turn into narcissistic personality disorder.  

But I don’t deal in disorders or pathology.  I deal in patterns. As a coach, that’s a very different perspective. 

I’m not telling you that you are broken, or you are sick, or you have a diagnosis. I’m telling you this a pattern. So, I’m going to take the approach that this type of controller isn’t pathological. They are doing it because it’s more benevolent. 

You are controlling because you think bad things are going to happen if you don’t. Now this can be problematic, obviously. When people can feel like you are always trying to control them and tell them what to do and how to think and how to behave and you are anxious a lot.  Walking around like hypervigilant, making sure everything’s okay. This with a controller, feelings of complete and total overwhelm is probably the biggest issue that controllers feel in addition to resentment when people don’t take the advice that we are giving them or follow through.  

But a controller will also manipulate, they’ll strategize.  They figure out here’s how I need people to behave. How do I get them to behave the way I want them to behave? Controllers play a lot of games in relationships. 

Now on the other side of that spectrum of control, is people who allow others to control them. And they end up in a People Pleaser Pattern versus a Controller Pattern, though they both have control issues.

They let other people tell them what they think and how to feel and they look to other people. 

A people pleasing codependent feels as though they have no control. They go with the flow. They are complicit, compliant, doing whatever needs to be done, unwilling to rock the boat or break any eggs.  

As far as control issues go, like attracts like but on the opposite end of the spectrum. A Controller Pattern and a Pleaser Patterns hook up. 

And this is a match made in hell because these two are feeding off each other in this dynamic and they are both tired of it. Controllers often will say, “I just want you to tell me what you want, and I just want you to step up. I don’t want to be in control all the time. I don’t want to have to be the one all the time.”  And a pleaser says, “Just tell me what you want me to do. And I’ll do it.” They are afraid to be in control and make a mistake.

One is afraid of being in control and the other is afraid of being out of control. 

What does healthy control look like? The middle Way.

The middle way is a very Daoist, it’s a very Buddhist philosophy. It’s not all or nothing. And codependents need to learn that it’s not black and white. There is a middle way. So, what would the middle way look like between a controller and a pleaser? It would look like we meet in the middle.   I control what I can and I back down when I need to, and I let other people do their thing.   I encourage other people to have their own thoughts and own opinions and I take no shit, but I’m still kind. 

In LYFE School we work on these core issues. 

The next issue is, “Self-Esteem Issues.”

At the root of all co-dependency issues is this core issue of self-esteem regulation. And for many people, the Attachment Personality Patterns are a way to regulate our self-esteem. Every single pattern is about regulating self-esteem. And I’ll talk about two patterns and how we regulate that self-esteem first. One is perfectionism. Many of us learned early on that to have love or approval, we need to be perfect. 

We are not allowed to make mistakes and so we put an extreme amount of pressure on ourselves and other people to live up to this crazy standard that we’ve set for ourselves and everybody else. We fall short, they fall short, but I’ll tell you a perfectionist pattern has a real hard time owning their own shit.

They are very adept at looking at other people much like the fixer pattern. The perfectionist, also like the fixer has a problem seeing themselves, because it’s all projected onto other people. But a perfectionist does judge themselves very harshly. 

That’s the difference, right? Where a fixer feels like they have it all together, most of the time a perfectionist behind closed doors really does feel terrible. But to regulate that self-esteem, they just aim higher. They just keep on setting that goal and that standard and they never quite reach it, of course. A lot of perfectionists procrastinate. 

They never really get the thing done that they want to do because they can’t do it the right way. Nobody else is doing things the right way. 

When I have a perfectionist in my program, and they’ll say things like “Did I do the right thing?” They want to do thing right because if they do it right then they are going to be good and that’s the goal underneath. Perfectionists don’t feel good unless they are perfect. And you can imagine when they do make a mistake, their whole world crumbles and falls apart.

There’s very little room for other people to have their own opinions or thoughts about how to do things because the perfectionist is like, “I know exactly what you need to do or how we should do this.”

Another self-esteem regulator shows up, is in the Pretender Pattern. Sometimes I call the Performer. Which is, I put on a show.  I suck it up. Now this is a person who is very concerned about appearances, not necessarily integrity. They will lie just to look good. They will do whatever they need to do to make sure that they are perceived a certain way. They want to curate their image. 

Through a Pretender may be struggling significantly, they feel “The show must go on”.

The next core issue we are going to talk about is “Trust Issues.” 

Back to our personality patterns to take a deeper look at this issue. Two patterns, same issue, opposite sides of the spectrum

A Withholding Personality learned very early on that vulnerability is for the weak. It’s kind of like a pretender and a performer, except Withholders are extremely sensitive people. They feel things very deeply, but their biggest fear is that you are going to hurt them. Because they don’t want you to use their vulnerability or weakness as they see it, against them, they withhold their feelings. They withhold their thoughts.

They withhold their feelings from you because they don’t want you to have access to them. A withholder wants intimacy so deeply, but they are so afraid of being rejected at the end of the day, that they kind of keep people at an arms distance. 

Now on the other side of that spectrum of trust issues is the Clinger. They over trust. 

The Withholder under trusts and the Clinger over trusts. 

A clinger is a ride or die. They are loyal to a fault. And these two patterns hook up. 

Withholders love a clinger because at first, they don’t have to share anything because a clinger overshares. They are oversharing and dominating.

A withholder really likes that at first, right? Because it feels good. Because again, remember their biggest fear is being rejected. So, clingers make them feel good. 

But after a while, a withholder will start to feel very smothered by a clinger and they will start to pull back and a clinger’s biggest fear is abandonment. That’s why they ride or die. They will stay with anybody because that’s better than being with nobody. 

Clingers also don’t recognize the emotional unavailability of the people they are attracted to. Withholders are not emotionally available, but a clinger doesn’t see that, they just fantasize.  They project “this is the one. I’ve never felt this way before.”

A clinger is so wrapped up in the ideology and the fantasy of the relationship that they fail to see the reality of the person that they’re with. 

And so now, when the withholder starts to pull away, they trigger up the clinger’s abandonment issues. And the clinger clings harder and then the Withholder feels totally smothered.  They pull away even more. 

Then eventually a clinger says, “okay, you know what? I’ve had enough of this. I’m out of here.” And the clinger pulls away and the Withholder goes, “where are you going? Don’t leave me”.  Because now their rejection is triggered up. They chase after the Clinger and they can do this dance for decades, clingers and withholders. 

I’m sure at this point you can see how rich this content is. There are three levels when you are working with me. The first is beginner, where you identify what pattern, you are and you see how you are operating and that’s level one.

And that is crucial. You can’t miss this. You’ve got to have insight into yourself and your partner. You’ve got to nail your pattern. 

And by that in LYFE School we take that pattern and do a whole process to understand how that pattern shows up for you. What behaviors you exhibit. What are your trigger feelings? Where did it come from? And it’s a lot of work. 

Level two is apprentice.  And this is where you start to practice Detaching rom the Patterns in your daily life. You start to see so much more. You can point out other people’s patterns quicker. You can bypass the patterns. You see the flags come in. You know who to be with, who not to be with. You take that knowledge that you get in beginner and you put it into motion and action in your everyday life and you become an apprentice. 

And then level three of understanding is mastery and this is for many people who want to go the whole way and become a coach with me. They have a mastery of this information. They’re living it and they master it so that they can teach other people and help other people. 

The next core issue with co-dependency is “Emotions”. 

Now, how you can identify if you’re co-dependent isn’t just through the behaviors or identifying your patterning, which is crucial. That’s the first step. But your emotions are another barometer that you are codependent. 

What emotions are you experiencing on a regular basis? Resentment, confusion, pain, anxiety, abandonment, rejection?

When you’re trapped in your pattern, you feel these feelings on a regular basis. 

Emotion as a core issue for codependency manifests one of two ways: Repression or Dysregulated Expression.

A Withholder suppresses emotions and has trouble identifying feelings. 

A pleaser has repressed their feeling for so long that they don’t have access to what they need or want anymore. 

A controller attempts to tell others how to feel.

A perfectionist condemns and judges feelings.

A clinger’s emotions are a whirlwind that sucks others in.

A victim lives in unresolved, unprocessed, unrecognized pain.

A pretender sucks up other feelings

A fixer worries about and feels responsible for everyone else’s feelings.

And the ne thing they all have in common is that eventually, emotions take us over and we reach a breaking point,

Our Codependency recovery program is geared toward learning how to identify your emotions, be in your emotions, feel your emotions and learn how to effectively express and communicate them

So many of us are so focused on other people that we do not know how we feel. We are so used to turning off our feelings, or we’ve been gas lit. Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional, toxic, abusive households, addicted households, got the message early on that your feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how you feel. Or it wasn’t safe for you to feel. So, you learned how to disassociate or shut off your feelings.  

Codependency recovery is a walk back home to your own sensitivity. It’s learning how to feel those feelings again and express those emotions properly and appropriately for you. And learn how to communicate those emotions to people 

The last core issue is Responsibility. 

As I have stated earlier, codependency is black and white. You are over responsible or under responsible. And here are the two patterns we enact. If you’re overly responsible, you’re a Fixer Personality. You think their problem is your problem. You have caseloads instead of friends. You take on more. Put on your cape and run to the rescue.

On another side, you’re totally irresponsible and you are a Victim Personality. 

The Victim takes no responsibility at all whatsoever. 

What do they do? They blame everything and everybody else for their problems. They have an excuse for everything. They minimize their problems. They justify their problems.  Excuse, rationalize, project their issues on other people. 

A victim takes no responsibility, and a hero takes all the responsibility.

Fixers and victims are peas in a pod, partners. They attract one another.  

So how do you resolve these core issues?

That’s the purpose of LYFE School. Love Yourself First Empowerment. We work together to resolve these core issues. 

You resolve the issues of control. Meet in the middle.  Learn what’s yours and what’s other people’s. 

Same with responsibility. Trust, learn how to develop that divine intuition. Trust yourself, your judgment.  Open up, receive from other people. Stop being the giver and other people the taker.  You learn how to receive for once. 

Self-esteem issues. You feel good about yourself at your core. 

You know who you are. You are not confused about your identity anymore. How awesome is that? That’s recovery and that’s what we are working towards. And for the committed people who say, “This is my time. I want to take my life and own it. I want to plug up the power leaks that I have in my life with the people sucking my power. The places I don’t want to be sucking my power. The things in my life that are sucking my power.” 

Imagine what you would do if you plugged up that leak and took all that power back.  You would be able to manifest your life on your terms, exactly the way you want it, and you know, what’s so true? You deserve that! You’re a good person. Now’s your time. So, let’s get to work. What core issues are you working on? What are the core issues that resonated with you the most? What core issues do you want to tackle first? 

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