Here’s the truth, you can have all the “other stuff”. You can have  the money or the house or the things but if you have a relationship that’s causing you anxiety, confusion, resentment or pain it’s all-consuming. you can’t think of anything , so you’ll  ask yourself. “What’s the point?” 

 

Emotional unavailability is a common problem. 

 

I hear about all the time and usually sounds like a woman complaining about a man, “Why can’t he just tell me how he feels?”

 

Before I really get into this, I want to say that this is  not a slam on guys. 

 

I work with a lot of men and I think men are phenomenal.  I think we have to pitted the sexes against each other and I want to take a stand against that. 

 

Because what I know for sure after 20 years of doing this type of work is we are more alike than we are different. 

 

It’s not Mars and Venus. It’s  Earth. We’re all from the same damn place and we’re all wrestling with the same darn problems, including emotional unavailability.

 

This isn’t a gender issue this it’s  an upbringing issue.

 

As far as I’m concerned we’re all born with a certain level of sensitivity. Those types of things are fixed. But what’s not fixed is how much we are encouraged to talk about our feelings or share and process them in  the environments we grew up in.

 

 it was either fostered or it was poo pooed.

 

“Big Girls Don’t Cry”. “Suck it up buttercup.” 

 

And this was happening especially if you were a guy.

 

Men were not encouraged to share their feelings.

 

In fact, the only ways they were enccouraged to  express themselves was through anger (fighting) and sex.

 

Those were the two places that it was okay for a guy to be wild to let loose or fully express himself and it’s kind of a crying shame because I believe under the right circumstances most men can be emotionally available.  

 

When a woman gets in a relationship with a man and then asks him how he feels, he can get to the place of figuring it out.

I once heard a talk about the difference between the male and female brain. The assertion was that women’s brains are like a computer. Already ready with information at her fingertips because it’s all interconnected.

 

But a man’s brain has boxes. He has lots of boxes:a family box , a recreation box, a work box, a feelings box.

 

And  when you ask him a question he’s in one box. He needs to take time to get out of that one box and get into the other box.

 

And from a woman’s perspective if he  can’t answer her right away, he’s either making it up or he  doesn’t know how he feels.

 

I think that we could do a lot better if we can give men  the benefit of the doubt.

 

What is emotionally unavailability is not necessarily their nature?

If it is their nature, then we may be talking about a dysfuctinal or toxic pereson

 

What if he probably grew up encouraged or discouraged to share and  articulate his feelings?

 

WHat if we gave him the space and the opportunity to be able to express himself? 

 

What if we asked a question, had patience and waited for the answer to develop within him?

 

The truth is that men do have a lot to say.  

 

Another unfortunate piece to this is that when men do start to share their feelings, sometimes they get shamed by the very woman that’s asking for them. 

 

When he is in love, he starts to open  and share more and sometimes his insecurities will come out and then she’s turned off.

 

 “My God you feel too much! She says. “Be confident!.” “What happened to the strong silent type?”

 

So he can’t really win. 

 

He does want to express himself; he just needs a minute to get there and then to be respected for sharing. 

 

I’ve been guilty of this in  my own relationship when my husband shares how he feels, and it’s something that I wish he didn’t feel. I don’t want him to feel the way he does, so I try and talk him out of his feelings. 

 

I might say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

I just dissuaded him from sharing in the future because he’s come out with it and then I made him wrong.

 

You  don’t have to make somebody else’s feelings about you.

 

You don’t have to personalize or internalize their feelings; you can allow people to have their perspective.

 

You can take it in but don’t take it on and don’t wear it around.

 

Say, “I hear that you feel that way”.  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

 

That’s how you keep encouraging the dialogue.

 

JUst a caveat. When we work together, there are three levels of enlightenment: beginner apprentice and Mastery.

 

Beginner is entry level information. apprentices go a little bit deeper and MASTERS GET  to Jedi skills. When we are beginning,  we’re talking about each other (he does, she does).

 

When we get to Apprentice we’re talking about each of us together-collectively.

 

In Mastery, we’re talking about ourselves. Because Knowing yourself is the only truth.

 

Nine times out of ten, when we’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, it is we who are  withholding.

 

In most cases, we  are just attracting a reflection of our emotional unavailability and projecting it on another. 

 

But until we get to Mastery, try these 3 tips.

 

1.  When you’re with your partner, ask a question about how he feels about something. It can be anything.
2. Say nothing just sit quietly.
3. Encourage him with those verbal cues to keep going. See how long he can go. Be surprised thinking “Oh my God there’s so much more in there than I thought there was!”

 

I’ love to hear how this works out for you! So, please leave  your comments and as always you can request a video!  I’m happy to make a video for you! It’s my hearts desire to serve you make sure that you are getting what you need.

 

 Love,

Coach Heidi 

 

Simply put, gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning what you believe, think, or know.

The problem is- it’s sneaky. It can be hard to tell when it’s happening. Even the smartest people fall prey to the manipulation.

Let’s talk about some of the ways one may gaslight you.  What are the red flags?

1. They use blame. For example, if they are called out on their behavior for saying something extremely hurtful, they may say something like, “Well, I only behaved that way because you put me in that situation. I would have never sad that of you hadn’t backed me into a corner.”

In this situation, you start to wonder if that’s true. Did they only behave that way because you provoked them? The short answer is NO.  People are provoked all day long and don’t become verbally abusive. This is likely a dysfunctional or toxic person.

2. They use denial. This happens a lot with the people I work with who are dealing with addiction in their family. Maybe you find a beer can in the trash. They may say something like, “There was no beer can.” Now, this sounds ridiculous because you might even be holding the can in your hand and they still blatantly lie. Or they may say, “Well, that’s not mine! That must be yours.”

You know darn well, it’s their beer can. But you start to wonder who else may have put it there because they can be so convincing.

 

3. They use guilt and projection. Let’s say you catch them in some form of cheating. They may say, “Wow! I can’t believe you think that about me! I was only that woman’s house because she is an old friend who needed some work done. Her husband was there too. I can’t believe you’re accusing me of something like this. We talked about you the whole time! Are you sure you’re not the one who’s cheating? You wouldn’t be thinking thoughts like this about me unless you were doing it yourself. If you keep telling me I’m cheating, you’re going to make me cheat. I might as well do the crime if I’m already doing the time.”

Suddenly, you find yourself sucked into the craziness and start to defend yourself. You have been completely derailed.

Or if it’s an addict or alcoholic and you confront them for relapsing, they may say something like. “If you keep accusing me of using, you’re going to make me use. If I do relapse, it will be your fault.”

Now, of course that’s just not true. If you want to know more about this, head over to and explore our most commonly asked questions.

4. They use flattery. They are acting totally out of line, and everyone else is pointing out their bad behavior, they will say, “Thank God you see me clearly. Other people don’t get me. Only you understand the real me. They only see the bad. Thank God you see the good in me. I’d be nowhere without you. You’re the only one who believes in the good in me. You’re the only one who loves me.”
5. They’ll enroll others to convince you you’re crazy. They will use triangulation, going to those you love and attempting to pit you against each other. They may make things up about you.

What’s the next step if you see yourself here? It’s to reach out and get some clarity and have a discussion with a qualified therapist or coach. I am happy to help you if you’re ready to start getting some wise, sound council.

You may need someone who has an objective viewpoint.

I now you love this person. Part of you wants to believe the lies. You want the relationship to work. You may be avoiding breaking up or confrontation. But you’re not avoiding pain by continuing to lose your ability to see clearly.

I want to encourage to take the next steps and reach out to explore codependency coaching.

If you’ve finally gotten to the place of setting a boundary, I first want to take a minute and congratulate you! It’s no easy feat! Setting a boundary with someone you truly care about is hard.

But now that you’ve set the boundary, it’s being met with resistance or push back and that’s making you feel pretty bad.

So, what do you do about that?

I had a video request about this very topic from a wife of an alcoholic.

Likely, if you get to the place of setting boundaries, you too are dealing with an unhealthy person.

This could be a toxic, dysfunctional or narcissistic person.

Addiction looks a lot like narcissism in that it displays the same level of denial of the impact to others and lacks insight and empathy into the feelings of those effects.

In this particular scenario, the wife had set the boundary with her husband that she was unwilling to sleep in the same bed with him if he was drinking.

Awhile later, after holding the boundary, he complained that he didn’t feel like they had a relationship because she wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as him.

Now, here’s the thing, narcissists and addicts are delusional in many respects. They live in denial.

So as he sees it, she’s creating the problem in the marriage, totally missing the fact that she’s set a boundary about his drinking.

Addicts, alcoholics, narcissists and toxic people use blame, shame, guilt and denial when confronted with their own behavior.

So, it’s natural that he behaves in this way, blaming her and totally missing the point.

But his wife, if she gets sucked into the lie, will believe that she is causing the problem, losing sight of the real issue too.

Her job is to stay awake when he’s asleep to the truth.

The best thing to do in moments when someone is using blame or guilt is to calmly restate the boundary, reminding him or her why you set the boundary in the first place.

Please watch the video for more.

If you want help in setting boundaries, you can schedule an appointment here.

If you want to request a video topic, you can do that here.

Thanks for watching the video and as always, I love to read your comments so please leave your thoughts.

Love,

Coach Heidi.

Are you too nice in your relationships?

We’ve all heard nice guys finish last.  It’s been said that when a guy is too pleasing, he loses his edge turning off the otherwise would be smitten female.

But, what about women, do we experience the same fate? Are we turning off Mr. Perfect?

Let’s squash the played out masculine/feminine debate and have a more interesting conversation.

I want to answer the bigger questions of “what’s too nice”, Who does being too nice attract?”  And “When does it become a real problem?”

First things first, I’m not talking about being kind, considerate, gentle, warm, or vulnerable.

Some people confuse being a good human with being too nice.

The right person is never turned off by kindness, vulnerability or intimacy.

These people are often dysfunctional in relationships and have an unhealthy view of intimacy which involves elements of all of the above.

Being too nice becomes a real problem when it involves an element of compulsive compliance.

Then, you move from being nice to being a people pleaser.

People pleasers are compelled to put the needs of others before their own. They become the sacrificial lamb, dying to the whims and wishes of others.

Excellent chameleons, they often shape shift into an imagined ideal of their love interest, being whoever they need to be in effort to gain approval, affection attention or acceptance.

In other words, people pleasers lose themselves in relationships.

They withhold their true thoughts, feelings and beliefs when they fear they differ from others, spurring potential judgment, conflict or rejection.

Research shows that two of the key elements attracting us to one another is our authenticity and confidence.

So, who would likely be attracted to someone who loses themselves?

You’ll attract someone totally comfortable with you being who they want you to be.  They don’t mind telling you who to be and how to behave. This person wants to be in control of you.

You’ll attract someone who is happy to have you put their needs first and take advantage of you.

You’ll attract someone who doesn’t particularly care about your feelings, thoughts or beliefs.  

In other words, you attract takers, narcissists and otherwise dysfunctional people.

 

Obviously this becomes a problem when you habitually get into relationships with these types of unhealthy people.

You find that you are not happy. In fact, you are often upset and resentful of the imbalance in your relationship.

You long for a partner, and want mutually beneficial relationships, not the one sided situations you find yourself in over and over again.

So, what’s the solution?

The first step is awareness.

Your behavior is likely subconscious and you’re not even aware of the codependency patterns you’re exhibiting.  

People pleasing behavior stems from wanting to be loved. You want to feel close, connected, needed and valued in your relationships. But when your desires to please become unhealthy, it’s at the expense of yourself.

Becoming conscious of your codependency patters means we get to the root of where this behavior originated and deprogram the long standing beliefs you hold about yourself that make it possible for you to behave this way.

Then, we work to uncover new ways of thinking and behaving in relationships that support your relationship vision.

The thing is, it’s not just about your relationships.

If you are a people pleaser, you do it everywhere: in your family, with your friends, and at work.

And that takes a toll on you emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically.

You deserve to be happy and have relationships that work!

I can help you do that. Please reach out for more information or to schedule an appointment.

 

You like him or her, a lot.  You didn’t think you’d feel this way so soon!

S/he’s become all you can think about lately, wondering if they love you the way you love them. You’re sure s/he doesn’t.

You search through their social medial, looking for the tell tale “like” to reveal their betrayal laden hidden affections.

Finally, you break down and seek reassurance. So, you ask:

• “Where is this relationship going?”
• “How do you really feel about me?”
• “Who is that person on your Instagram?”
• “What should I call you?”

And they say, “Whoa. Where is this coming from?  Of course I like you. Let’s not label anything. Let’s just see where it goes.”

Your heart beats out of your chest, you start to sweat, and your throat closes a little. You’re sure they’re breaking up with you.

You immediately launch into “just kidding mode”, backpedaling to explain you were simply making conversation.

Maybe you start to search out some help and look for ides on:

• “How to make him commit.”
• “How to make him obsessed with me”
• “How to attract women.”

And so on.

Breathe. I get it.

But don’t worry. This isn’t commentary on how to get him or her to love you, be obsessed with you or commit.

That kind of advice is useless anyway and I only know that because I used to subscribe to the “understand the opposite sex” stuff before I fully understood that I needed to understand myself.

What’s really going on here?

It’s likely one of two scenarios.

1. You are in a situation with someone who emotionally unavailable and contributing to your relationship confusion by withholding their feelings for you. If that’s the case, this is likely a dysfunctional person.
2. You’re with someone who is available and totally into you, who genuinely wants to see where things go and you’re insecurity is getting the best of you.

Which one is it? Hard to tell as they both originate from the same codependency pattern of low self esteem.

But most people don’t realize that it’s a codependency issue, they truly believe that it’s the other person “making them feel” insecure.

But NO ONE really makes you feel insecure. It’s a question of the chicken or the egg.

If you’re choosing emotionally unavailable people, it’s likely your preexisting insecurity that chooses a person to mirror that low self-esteem.

And if you’re not able to recognize when someone is into you, dropping the shoe to end the wait, it’s also the same issue.

So, what to do?

Well, the only thing left to do is to get to work on the root of your insecurity.

It’s not your fault.

Codependency patterns emerge from a necessity to cope with unhealthy people in your life.

You were simply trying to thrive, survive, connect or cope in your significant relationships, likely starting in your family of origin.

Your insecurity didn’t come about on its own or just as a result of this one relationship.

I bet if we looked at it, we can see it’s a pattern that affects all areas of life for you.

People with insecurity exhibit the following difficulties (to name only a few)

• Speaking your truth especially when other’s opinions matter
• Setting and holding boundaries with people you care about
• Feeling your feelings without justifying, rationalizing or defending them
• Leaving bad situations (you’re loyal to a fault)
• Following through with projects (you start but you don’t finish)
• Procrastination
• Knowing what you really want

An on and on.

So, you can see it’s pretty important to get to work here.

The good news is that you absolutely CAN work on your self esteem and learn how to truly love yourself (faults and all).

Most people conflate self love and self care.

To be clear, I’m not talking about bath bombs and massages here.

I’m talking about learning to do the very things that are hard for you like the things I mentioned above.

It all starts with knowing yourself. You need to get to the root of your insecurity issues and I’m happy to help you do that!

I the meantime, let’s talk for a minute about what makes you most attractive to others.

1. Your authenticity.

Think of it this way. When you see someone being all of who they are, it’s refreshing! They own themselves and it’s inspiring to others. No one likes someone who’s being fake.

But people with a low self esteem pattern are not themselves. They are people pleasers, being whoever they need to be to be liked and avoid rejection.

2. Your confidence. There’s just something so attractive about someone who believes in themselves and goes for what they want in life without seeking or needing the approval r permission of others.

But when you have low self esteem, you’re less likely to have that kind of belief in yourself.

3. You’re openness and availability to others.

When you have a low self esteem patters, you may be on guard constantly waiting for others to disappoint you or take advantage of you. This energy can be felt by everyone around you.

 

So, what’s the solution? Know thyself. Get to the root of where these patterns originated and uproot them.

I can help you do that.

If you’d like more help, please reach out to me here.

Love,

Coach Heidi

 

Recovery is no easy task!

So congratulations on becoming more of who you truly are through the process of shedding all that’s not you.

You’ve changed! And that is amazing!

What’s not so awesome is when you have changed, but the people you love are the same.

 You find yourself getting triggered up and maybe even falling back into old patterns and ways of behaving.

First, I want to talk about what happens when you change.

Although people want you to change, it’s also scary to them. They don’t know if it’s only a matter of time until you relapse.

And so, if your loved one is living in the past and reminding you of who you used to be or how you ruined last Christmas, it’s likely in an attempt to ensure you don’t do it again.

They mistakenly think that if they remind you how bad things were, it will keep you on the straight and narrow path to sobriety.

The other thing is that if they aren’t doing it with benevolent intentions, then you may want to consider distancing yourself from them.

 Maybe they’re actually a toxic or dysfunctional person themselves. And if that’s the case, you will want to make some decisions about choosing to spend time around them.

The other thing that may be happening is that you find yourself slipping back into old ways of behaving when you’re around them.

And sometimes you do this because you want to connect with them.

When you change, you can feel like you’re outgrowing people and that can be scary and feel lonely.

So, if that’s the case and you are morphing yourself into the old version of you to stay connected, that’s an issue and it’s codependent.

If you are codependent, you’ll want to learn how to start your recovery journey.

And if you have family that you want to educate on addiction, you can encourage them to learn how deal with addiction in the family.

I hope you found the video helpful! Please leave a comment and let’s connect!

Love,

Coach Heidi